Is there something wrong with me?

by Alex

Part 1:

So here's the breakdown. I live in a family of 6. I have 3 siblings. An older brother (Jake, age 19), a younger sister (Kayla, age 15) and a little brother (Micheal, age 10). I myself am 17. I've always considered myself close with my siblings. I've been especially close with Kayla. She and I hang out in someway or another most days of the week. We get home at the same time, have one class together, and shared the same bedroom until about 5 years ago. I've pretty much always treated her like a brother or a close friend. We fight, we wrestle, play sports together in our backyard. It's been pretty normal. But about a week ago, I had a dream about her. I won't go into details, but whatever perverted thought you are thinking, it's probably true. Since then, I've been thinking about her constantly. I've been trying to supress it as much as I can, but to no avail. Every time I see her, every time I hear her name, every time I think of her, I just fall apart. I've been pretty much avoiding her because of it, and she has noticed. She confronted me the other day about why I was avoiding her, but I just avoided the subject entirely, bent to her will, and talked about other stuff. It was perhaps the most agonizing 10 min. of my life, and she knew it, but didn't know why (or I hope not).

Part 2:

I promised to take Kayla to the mall today. Once again, things are moving in a weird direction. Sorry I keep posting this thread, it's just that I have gotten pretty good advice so far (from some people at least), and things are getting confusing for me. Definetilly not a subject I could talk to my friends about.

Practice ended a little early for me today, so I managed to get home before Kayla. I was sitting on the couch watching TV when she came in. Of course, she was dirty and needed to take a shower. I told her to hurry if we wanted to go to the mall. She did so, and came back downstairs about 15 min. later completely dried off (except for her hair), wearing a t-shirt and shorts. But the thing that caught my attention was that she was wearing my shorts. I'm pretty sure it was deliberate, because this wasn't the first time she'd done something like that. I rolled my eyes, sighed, pointed to her room, and told her to take them off right now. In an "accidentally on purpose" kind of way, she misinterpreted. "Okay", she said and she did something that I'd never seen her do before. In one swift motion, she pulled down the shorts right in front of me. Needless to say I was completely shocked, and I turned my head away immediatelly. I sat there freaking out, asking what she was doing, and she just laughed. Curious, I slowly peeked my eyes around to see why she was laughing. I quickly saw why. Underneath my shorts, it turned out she was also wearing a pair of my boxers, one with tabasco hot sauce pictures on them. "What, did you actually think I would do something like that in front of you?", she said still laughing. I was red in the face, but for many reasons. One for embarrassment, one because I was angry, and to be honest, one because it made me hot (wtf?). In attempt to hide my face, I turned around back to the TV, and said, "Just go change already, you want me to take you right?" She agreed, and as she walked away, I could hear her humming. I don't know what she was attempting to do with that stunt, but apparently, she accomplished it and she knew it.

Kayla came back down wearing a baby t and a pair of kakhi shorts. I admit, she did look cute, but that was the extent of it. More of a little sister cute. We drove to the mall, walked around the place for a bit, checking out random stores. Spencer's gifts was filled with halloween stuff, and I wanted to check it out. Kayla didn't want to go at first, but we checked it out anyway. I was rather amused that she went straight to the birthday cards with naked men on them, and just stared at them while biting her lower lip. Later, we checked out Border's, but only because they have really good caffine drinks. We left at about seven, though we didn't really buy anything worthwhile. It was an interesting trip, at least.

When we got home, I sat in front of the TV while Kayla decided to go change out of the baby t. She isn't really a fan of baby t's, but will wear them on occasion. She came back downstairs, wearing a loose fitting t-shirt that was just loose enough that you could see some of her bare chest. This wasn't odd for her, but something seemed odd about it anyway. Right then, she took the remote right out of my hand with a "thanks" (as if she asked) and started watching Will and Grace. She was clearly asking for a fight, so I gave her one. This time, I tackled her off the couch, and we rolled around on the ground. I managed to get her into a headlock, but she somehow slipped out of it and put me in a grapevine. If you don't know what a grapevine is, it's where you put your legs in between your opponent's and wrap them around, with your arms holding your opponent's arms down. I didn't even know she knew the move! She grunted and taunted me, "Are you done yet Alex? Ready to give up?" She was on top of me in a way so that her hips were meeting at mine in a full frontal assault, and so that I could see directly down her shirt if I tried. I wanted to avoid this turning into an *ahem* awkward moment, so I let her win. She laughed and cheered a bit, then proceeded to sing Queen's "We are the Champions". I interrupted her by saying, "Yeah, you may have won this time, but next time, I'm going to own you!" Nothing implicative intended. I was just trying to sound natural. She responded by sticking her tongue out at me and saying, "Maybe next time I won't go easy on you!" She gave a smug look at me, and returned to her cheering and victory dance. I walked into the other room and she returned to watching her show, stretched out on the couch.

I'm not gonna lie. I have a serious hardon right now. She's watching TV, minding her own business while I'm in here, twitching in my pants, filled with euphoria and self-loathing. I'm growing attached sister, and I've never hated myself more. The dam is leaking, and something's gonna give sooner or later.

Part 3:

Some time last night, it rained in sheets. It ended before I woke up, but nonetheless it rained last night. Went to school, and I found out that baseball practice was canceled. It was odd, because when I looked out on the field, it didn't look all that wet to me. But hey, what do I know about baseball fields, let alone gardening?

Anyway, 3rd hour came today (the class that I share with Kayla), and I'd figured she'd be somewhat happy that practice was canceled. Instead, she looked sullen and didn't really talk to anyone the entire hour, which is very unlike her. I figured it had to do something with last night, but I thought it would be best to wait till home to ask her about it. So I just left her alone for the rest of the hour.

Swim practice came and went, I began driving home. I knew she was already home, and I expected her to be either watching TV or jumping on the trampoline, as she usually does. But instead I found my mom, watching some soap opera. I asked her why she was home and she said that she wasn't feeling well. I began walking upstairs to my room, when she warned me that Kayla wasn't feeling well and that I should avoid her. I ignored mom and walked up to her door and knocked. There was no response, so I walked on in. Kayla was laying on the bed in her pajamas (plaid pants and black t). Called out her name and she ignored me. I could tell she was awake, but she was ignoring me. I walked towards her and called again. Still no answer. I tried one last time. "Kayla? Kaaayla?" This time she turned her head around to look at me and I saw something I didn't expect: she was crying. As a reflex, I stepped back, but I regained composure and walked back towards her. She sat up on her bed and I sat next to her. "Kayla," I said, "What's wrong?" I can't remember the last time I had seen her cry. She was still sniffling when shepushed her face into a pillow she had wrapped her body around, and mumbled something I couldn't quite understand. "Kayla," I said, this time with a small laugh, "You're talking to me. Not the pillow. She brought her head back out. Her eyes were swollen and her face was red. "Greg *sniff* Greg broke up with me today". I was kinda shocked by this. In almost all the relationships she's had, she was the one who ended it. But I guess this time, she was beaten to the punchline. I sympathetically put my arms around her, and hugged her. She showed no resistance, and somewhat leaned into it. "Aw, you'll be alright," I said, in attempt to comfort her. "Did he say why he broke up with you?" She let out a small sob "No. All he said was that he felt like we should move on." I didn't even bother mentioning that it was only a three week relationship, but I figured that to her, it seemed a lot longer. I held her in a little closer. "Well, just remember, Kayla. There are other fish in the sea. I'm sure you can find someone else." I was beginning to feel some of her tears soak into my shirt, but I didn't move. She just sheepishly responded, "Yeah, I know...". Somewhere along the line, she had let go of the pillow and wrapped her arms around me instead. We just sat there for what felt like hours, holding each other on her bed as her crying had quelled. Her breathing went back to normal, and her sniffling (for the most part) had stopped. I didn't want to move from the position, but I knew I'd have to eventually.

I was the one to interrupt and start to move away (she was still clinging a bit). I looked at her in the eyes and found her looking back. I gently put my hand on her chin and softly said, "Let me know when you feel better." She was still crying a bit, but she nodded and smiled. I then kissed her on the forehead, lingering for a short moment, then moving back to look back into her eyes. She was just frozen there, not even crying anymore with the smiled gone and mouth slightly gapping. She stared back at me with blue-green eyes that anyone could get lost in... and then she ruined the moment with a noise that was somewhere between a sob and a hiccup. We both laughed. I patted her on the head, told her that if she wanted to hang out, I'd be here all night. She laughed, and I left.

After today, I've come to realize something. I love her. It's simple as that. I love Kayla. I want to be there for her as much as I can. I want to protect her. I want to comfort her. I want to hold her. I want to be there for her. She's still my sister, and I'm going to hold back as much as I can. But I hope I can still be this close to her in the future. You have to understand, I'm not looking for sex or anything of the sort though (as weird as it is) the thoughts have gone through my head from time to time. I want to be there for her. As long as she accepts me, I will always be there for her.

Part 4:

You know, I've been wondering, if something big actually happens between me and Kayla, how will I handle it? I ask myself this only because of what happened today.

My older brother Jake came back in town today. I was pretty cool with it. I love the guy (not like I love Kayla. My relationship with him is normal). Before he got a job and started going to college, he was my main man, the guy that I'd hang out with. Of course, though, this was because he drove and I didn't at the time. I've become less reliant on him, and he and I have moved our separate ways. Jake still lives with us, which allows us to hang out from time to time, but it's far less that we used to.

I came home from swim practice today about the same time I usually do. It was odd, because no one was around at the time. The shower upstairs was running, so I figured that Kayla was washing off after practice. Mikey had gone to his friend's house (a kid by the name Carson ), mom and dad were both at work, and Jake... well, I didn't know where Jake was. I called downstairs for him (that's where he sleeps), but there was no answer. I figured he had gone out to party with friends, or something. I didn't really have anything to do, so I just sat on the couch and began watching TV. I was about five minutes into the show (I think) when the shower stopped running. I didn't make anything of it at first, so I just kept watching, minding my own business for about another five min.

All of a sudden, I heard someone scream, "SURPRISE, ALEX!", and the next thing I knew was that I had been ambushed from the left side with a flying tackle. Here I was laying on my back, with a person on top of me, and sure enough, it was Kayla. She was wearing a t-shirt that was big on her, gym shorts (as usual), and was still wet from her shower. I felt her hair touch my skin, as it stole the body heat from me.. She wasted no time in putting in the grape vine (I still don't know where or when she learned it, but she is pretty damn good at it), and held my arms down while I tried to fight back. I wasn't able to do a good job, partly because she had sunk it in so deep and partly because I had my left hand wedged the beneath the couch cushions. I called foul play, but to this, she just defiantly said, "Nuh-uh! I'm not letting you get away! Remember our last promise?" I laughed, and just kept struggling as hard as I could to get away, but to no avail.

That's when things got weird. As she was adjusting herself, sinking her legs in further, she kept rubbing her cunt along my groin. It felt amazing, but I knew I had to do something before I *ahem* showed appreciation. I struggled even harder, trying to escape, but that just caused her to fight back all the more. I had given it my all, but it was too late. I had a growing erection, and she was sitting right on top of it. I can not describe the horror I was feeling as it happened, as my cock crept up along past her crotch. I kept thinking to myself "Oh, dear, god, she's going to notice! Please, don't let her notice!" She did stop moving for a second, but then she went back to what she was originally doing. If she noticed my erection, she made no sign of it... however... it almost seemed like her movements had become more precise, more slow, more... pleasing. To the point that it was almost rhythmatic. She slid her hands further across my arms, impeding my escape further more. That's when I saw something that I had no idea I would see from her while we were wrestling.

You know, I've come to learn that people have tell-tale signs that they are "enjoying" or getting "excited" from a situation, such as flirting. Some people will stutter. Some people will laugh nervously. Some people just get real quiet and let the other person do all the talking. I, myself, prefer to lean whenever I flirt with women. Kayla, however, has a nasty little habit for such situations: She bites her bottom lip. I've only seen her do it a few times, usually when she is hitting on my friends, checking out guys, or looking at naked birthday cards at the mall. But there she was: grinding on top of me with her face inches from mine, biting her bottom lip (no, I have never seen her do this while we were wrestling before). For whatever reason, that made me all the more hard. I was fighting multiple battles, mental and physical, and I was losing. Just a glance away from my eyes was her shirt hanging down low enough that I could have easily looked down it if I wanted to. And let me tell you, I wanted to. I took all my resistance to keep my eyes straying down there. I was practically incapacitated by now. The fight was no longer physical, it was all mental. Still shifting around, Kayla moved her hands even further down my arms. Her face became close enough that I could feel her breath on my skin. I sat there staring into her eyes, so deeply that I was able to see mine in hers. Just moving my head upwards an inch, and I would have locked lips with her. But she just held me down, and said with a slight smile (and heavy breathing, I might add), "Alright, Alex? What are you gonna do now?" I where I lost it. I had given up fighting. My hormones were taking over, and I had no control. I slowly began my short journey of bringing my face to hers, when all of a sudden, I heard a cough in the room.

My heart had skipped a beat right then and there. Who was in the room? I was freaking out. "SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! Who's watching, oh dear god, don't tell me it's mom! Dad? Mikey!? That kid tells everything! OH GOD, I'M SO FUCKED!" That's when I found the voice that met the spectator.

"My, my, what do we have here?"

Startled, Kayla gasped, sat up on top of me, lost her balance, and fell on the ground with a surprised scream. It was kinda funny now that I think about it. But let me tell you, at the time, I almost shat brix. I looked up and saw Jake, standing in the entry way, leaning against the wall. He had a slight grin on his face. I sat up and faced him, as did Kayla (who stayed sitting on the floor). I tried to regain composure and act casual. "Hey Jake! Dude, when'd you get home?" I said with a half laugh. He got off the wall and walked towards me. "I've been home. How long have you been home?" I really wanted to ask how long he'd been watching, but I felt it'd be a little too conspicuous. "I dunno. I kinda lost track of time. Kayla and I were wrestling." His slight grin turned into a full fledge smile. "So I see, Alex. So I see." I took a quick glace at Kayla. She was blushing like crazy. I glared back at Jake, with as pissed of a look as I could muster from the situation. "I don't know what you're thinking, dude, that's just gross. Don't get any weird ideas. I mean, c'mon! She's my sister." He turned back around, and non-challantly said, "Yeah, yeah, whatever." He wasn't smiling when he said it, he just had more of a bored look on his face and he walked off. I wanted to confront him further, but he was already gone. I looked back at Kayla. She was still just sitting there, as red in the face as ever just staring off into space. "I'm gonna go take my shower now `k?" She didn't even look at me, but she quietly said, " 'k...". Nothing really happened after that. She just watched TV and talked to her friends on the phone for the rest of the night.

I wonder if any of what happened was simply in my mind. Maybe it was my mind just running wild, being perverted on it's own. But I don't think that's the case. I am almost positive she was doing what she was doing on purpose. As for my brother... god, I don't even want to think about it. I never really know what the hell he's up to, or what he's going to do. Maybe he was just teasing us, maybe he actually thought something was in fact going on. But chances are, he's going to rub it in my face if anything. I just hope he doesn't really believe in his suspicions...

Part 5:

I've been thinking a lot lately. Deep thinking, just about the whole situation. And I have found myself asking the same questions over and over again: Can one truly know others? Can others truly know you? Can one truly know oneself? I ask myself this as I think about what has happened over the last few days. I ask myself these questions in light of what has occurred in the last few days. In one word: intentions. What are our intentions? How can I really know what Kayla is thinking? Maybe she really does see me as a man instead of a brother. What am I thinking? Maybe it's all in my imagination? What if she is having the same thoughts? Maybe she hasn't made a major move yet because she doesn't know that I think of her this way. And even if I told her, would that really close the gap, or would it make it wider? All of society has been guess and check with human relations. In trusting your beliefs in other people, many a success has been made... however, each success overshadows an opposite, yet equally great failure. A few people have told me to just break it off, and some people have told me to just jump right into it. Some people say to wait and see what happens. Some say that you will never know what you had until you have lost it. These are the cries of a man who is falling apart at the seams. I now realize that there is no easy answer to this whole problem. Just because of my personality, I have chosen to wait and see where everything goes... but I take this option full well knowing that this could easily go wrong in any direction. Sorry to bore you with philosophy. I just wanted to let you know what I thought so that you may take a little more consideration in your comments.

I came home a little late today, so Kayla got home before me. She was actually at her friends house for awhile, and she got home at about 6 only to go straight to her room. I was a little disappointed that she didn't even bother to say hello to me. But I'm pretty sure that I know why now. A little while after going upstairs, she came downstairs wearing something I have never seen her wear before: a mini-shirt. She was wearing a red mini-skirt with a baby-t that I had never seen before (no doubt she got both from her friend). I could tell she was uncomfortable in it because she was shifting around in it a lot, but I think there may have been more to that because it was always in front of me while I was watching TV. A little while later, she sat in front of me on the floor (indian-style) and asked me to tell her about my day. She just sat there listening to me with a smile on her face as she shifted around. It was really hard for me to keep eye contact with her. I just kept my eyes wandering around the room, occasionally (but not conscientiously) landing on her. If she noticed, she showed no sign. I finally got to asking her why she was wearing a miniskirt. She said, "Oh, I was just trying to get the attention of this boy I liked at school today. My friend suggested it."

I knew almost immidiately that this was a lie (or a hidden message). As I've said before, I not only have Spanish class with with Kayla, I also saw her come in from her friends house. I do give some credit: It was cold out, so maybe she changed in the hours I didn't see her and changed back before she got home. But something about the way that she said it screamed, "lie". Remember, I've lived with her about all my life, and have learned when to catch these things. That's when she stood up and asked, "Do you think it looks good on me?" I finally gave a full body check with my eyes. She was smokin. Whoever it was she was trying to catch, this skirt could very easily capture him. How did I go about telling her this? I shrugged my shoulders and said, "It looks nice." Subtle enough?

I needed to go to the bathroom at this time, so I began walking upstairs. She got in front of me with a pair of gym shorts and began walking up to her room. That's when she "accidentally" dropped the pants half way up the stairs. I have seen enough television to know about the panty shot, but Kayla may have very well reinvented it, accident or not. As she bent over to pick them back up, I couldn't help but stare. It was truly amazing. I was already below her as it was because of the stairs, but I found she was also not wearing panties of any kind. I could see everything. But instead of paying attention to the fact that she was giving me a full view, she just sifted through her pants pockets, still bent in that position. I'd say the whole event was about 5 seconds, but never before in my life have I gotten so hard, so fast. She finally got back up, and finished her way up the stairs. I just went back down on the couch to just lay there, wondering if it was just her not being used to a skirt, or her trying to get my attention. Under normal circumstances, I'd say the first one, but with all the shit that's happened to me the last few days, I don't even know any more. Hell, I say that as if I even knew in the first place. Whatever.