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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists
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? Late Night With David Letterman ?
? Top Ten Lists ?
? June 17, 1987 to June 25, 1993 ?
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Bernhard Goetz's Top 10 Pickup Lines - June 17, 1987
10. "Excuse me, Miss. I was shooting at the gentleman next to you.
9. "How'd you like to double date with the Sliwas?"
8. "Care to dance with an intense gun-toting loner?"
7. "You would have a very curvy chalk outline."
6. "I hate these pistol ranges, they're just meat markets."
5. "Sure, I know Gabe Pressman personally."
4. "Give me a scotch and soda and see what the punk on the floor will have."
3. "Which do you think is funnier - Deathwish II or Deathwish III?"
2. "The evening is young. Let's clean up this town."
1. "That is a gun in my pocket, and I am glad to see you."
Top 10 Radio Formats - June 18, 1987
10. Dog-frequency easy listening
9. Bagpipes for lovers
8. Amish call-in
7. Top hits marred by heavy static
6. Brothers of superstars
5. 24-hour phone-in whistling
4. Noisy music for the unemployed foreigners next door
3. Gospel parakeets
2. News with swear words
1. Show tunes for sissy-boys
Top 10 New York City Science Projects - June 19, 1987
10. Summer Heat and Rotting Garbage: Fuel of the Future
9. Buoyancy in Mob Corpses
8. Roaches and Music: Pretty Much Any Nightclub in Town
7. Trigonometry of the Ricochet
6. Inducing Unconsciousness in Strangers
5. Shoving Matches: The Universal Language
4. Removing Flesh from a Gold Chain
3. Men Who Kiss Each Other
2. Bio-pneumatics: Token-sucking Observed
1. Lab Rats: Sissy Cousins to the Real Thing
Top 10 Sources of Friction in the Arnold
Schwarzenegger-Maria Shriver Marriage - 6/22/87 REPEAT)
10. Language Barrier
9. Forrest Sawyer Drops in at All Hours
8. Puts Steroids in Mint Dish as Practical Joke
7. Uncle Ted Always Wants to Arm Wrestle
6. Thinks Jane Pauley is a "Fabulous Babe"
5. Refuses to Learn Works to "Edelweiss"
4. Muscle Magazines Leave No Room in Rack for Town & Country
3. Uses "Bulking up" as Excuse to Eat Like a Pig
2. Rose Always Wants to Arm Wrestle
1. Body Oil on the Upholstery
Top 10 Things That Will Happen Before
the Olympics are Held in Korea - June 23, 1987
10. Jesse Jackson Sends Away TV Cameras: Demands Privacy
9. Amish Terrorists Seize Airliner
8. Bob Guccione Offers Million Dollars to Barbara Bush for Photo Layout
7. Ishtar II
6. Jane Pauley Shaves Head to Lower Wind Resistance
5. Shuttle Mission to Moons of Jupiter Manned by the O'Jays
4. Record Turnout at New York City Ballet's Father/Son Picnic
3. to Star in TV Adaptation of "The Hobbit"
2. Sunday Morning Today Show Shatters Nielsen Record
1. Mike Tyson Named England's New Poet Laureate
Don King's Top 10 Titles for the Pope/Waldheim Meeting - June 24, 1987
10. The Meet at St. Pete
9. The Grapple Near the Sistine Chapel
8. The Thrilla in the Basilica
7. Vati-Krieg
6. The Nazi Meanie vs. the Guy in the Beanie
5. His Grace Meets the Master Race
4. Fun with the Hun
3. Woodstock II
2. Pops 'n' Schnapps
1. A Couple of Really White Guys Sitting Around Talking
Top 10 Off-Season Sports on ESPN - June 25, 1987
10. Uninflated Basketball
9. Fat Guy Hacky-sack
8. No-Hands Auto Racing
7. Shirts-and-Skins Speed-Typing
6. Amish Rake Fights
5. Miniature Horseshoes
4. Dropping Cows from Planes
3. Padded Suit Lumber Swat
2. Oprah Tipping
1. Dog Hockey
Top 10 Offers G.E. Has Made to the Striking Technicians at NBC - July 22, 1987
10. Immediate Upgrade of Bulbs in Desk Lamps to Next Highest Wattage.
9. Unlimited Air Travel on Delta Airlines.
8. Free Muppet Babies Mug with Purchase of Every Large Commissary Cola.
7. Kitchen Privileges at Michael Landon's Beach House.
6. Sports Crews on Road Trips No Longer Have to "Tuck In" Joe Garagiola.
5. Real Medical Personnel in NBC Infirmary - Not Willard Scott in
Nurse's Costume.
4. Free Copy of Robert C. Wright's New Album "Funk Machine".
3. End Bryant Gumbel's So-called "Buddy System".
2. Manila Envelopes Filled with Alf-droppings.
1. No Longer Have to Refer to G.E. Executives as Microcephalic;
May Openly Call Them Pinheads.
Top 10 New Advertising Slogans for Delta Airlines - July 16, 1987
10. Delta: We're Amtrack with Wings.
9. Delta: Join Our Frequent Near-miss Program.
8. Delta: Ask About Our Out-of-court Settlements.
7. Noisy Engines? We'll Turn 'em Off!
6. Delta: Complimentary Champagne in Free-fall.
5. Enjoy the In-flight Movie on the Plane Next to You.
4. Delta: The Kids Will Love Our Inflatable Slides.
3. Delta: You Think It's So Easy, Get Your Own Damn Plane!
2. Delta: Our Pilots are Terminally Ill and Have Nothing to Lose.
1. Delta: We Might Be Landing On Your Street!
And 5 more just for the heck of it. . .
5. Delta: Terrorists are Afraid to Fly with Us.
4. Delta: Bring a Bathing Suit.
3. Delta: So That's What Those Buttons Do!
2. Delta: A Real Man Lands Where He Wants To.
1. Delta: We Never Make the Same Mistake Three Times
Top 10 Reasons Sylvester Stallone & Brigitte Nielsen Are Separating
- July 17, 1987
10. She Never Put the Cap on the Body Oil.
9. She Kept Confusing "Rocky II" and "Rocky III".
8. The Closest He Could Get to Saying Her Name Was "Buh-juh".
7. She Couldn't Get the Hang of Making Nestles Quik.
6. Her Ceaseless Cello Practicing Made It Difficult for Him to
Work on His New Translation of Flaubert.
5. Wrestling Pit Bulls Not an Adequate Form of Foreplay.
4. She Got Tired of His Tirades About the "No-talent" Arnold Schwarzenegger.
3. She Saw "Rhinestone".
2. She Got Tired of Explaining How the Paperweight Worked.
1. Fights During Scrabble Games Over Whether "Yo" is Real Word.
Peter Holm's Top 10 Grievances Against Joan Collins - July 22, 1987
10. Waiting Area Outside Bedroom Had Old Magazines
9. She Made Him Empty Makeup Buckets to Earn $20,000 Weekly Allowance
8. Other Pets Have Their Names on Water Dishes
7. Annoyed By Reminiscences About President Van Buren's Sexual Prowess
6. Couldn't Break Her Habit Of Hollering "Next!"
5. Wouldn't Support His Campaign for Presidency of "Weaselly Gigolo Club"
4. Never Invited to Annual "Night of 100 Paperboys"
3. Freak Electrical Storm Caused Bedroom Lights to Go on During Night
2. Somebody Finally Told Him What "Parasite" Means
1. Tired of Passing Motorists Honking and Yelling "I Had Her!"
Top 10 Dear Abby Letter Signatures - July 23, 1987
10. Bewildered in Baltimore
9. Can't Sit Down in San Pedro
8. Female, Bearded and Happy
7. Bitter-Soon-to-be-Divorced-Former-Swedish-Rock-Star
6. In Prison and Loving It
5. Naked in James Garner's Garage
4. A Cleveland Baseball Team
3. Bryant Gumbel
2. Mr. Pelican Pants
1. 'Whipped in the White House
Top 10 Other Things George Schultz is Mad About - July 24, 1987
10. Nude Photos of Mrs. Schultz Found in Ollie North's Wallet
9. Afternoon Hearings Force Him to Miss "His Stories"
8. Nobody Writes About His Obsession with Jody Foster
7. No One in Washington Wants to Get a "George Schultz" Haircut
6. Doesn't Get Half the Skirt Kissinger Did
5. His Video is no Longer in Heavy Rotation on MTV
4. "George Schultz Potato Puppets" not Selling Very Well
3. Hogan's Men Always Cutting Through Barbed Wire
(Sorry, that's Sgt. Schultz)
2. Always Gets Barbara Bush's Keys at White House Swap Nights
1. His Secretary Looks More Like Monty Hall
Top 10 Things Overheard at Billy Joel's Moscow Concert - July 29, 1987
10. Concert? I thought this crowd was to buy toilet paper.
9. I would applaud even if I were not ordered to do so!
8. I'm a communist party animal!
7. Our countries may have their differences, but we can agree
"Piano Man" really gets on your nerves.
6. There's no chance Yakov Smirnoff will come back, is there?
5. Check it out! Loose potatoes! Loose potatoes!
4. I'll bet they make this into another crummy HBO special.
3. The one who threw the Frisbee . . . shoot him.
2. His female fans are covering the stage with burlap panties!
1. You see -- they are not all as annoying as Donahue.
Top 10 Commercial Casket Models - July 30, 1987
10. The Dirt Master
9. Tupper-Tomb
8. Krazy-Kasket from Whammo
7. The Slim Reaper
6. The 19th Hole
5. McCoffin Styrofoam Casket
4. The Comfort-King Velvetliner (endorsed by Paul Anka)
3. Cap'n Crypt
2. The Cardboard Warrior
1. The La-Z-Boy Eterna-Lounger
Top 10 Folk Dances Or Mild Nervous Disorders - repeat from 1986
10. The Tarantella
9. The Reel
8. The Jitters
7. The Clog-Dance
6. The Screamin' Meemies
5. The Fling
4. The Hula
3. The Willies
2. Just Plain Edgy
1. The Shakes/The Hokey Pokey (tie)
Top 10 Worst Jobs in New York City - August 4, 1987
10. Peep Show Booth Swabber
9. Subway Courtesy Monitor
8. Projectile Catcher, Base of Empire State Building
7. Derelict Stubble Maintenance Man
6. P.R. Director, Bernhard Goetz's Soul Kitchen
5. De-louser for Broadway Show "Cats"
4. Curator, American Museum of Bodily Fluids
3. Guy with Office Next to Rex Reed
2. Port Authority Singalong Leader
1. Mob Corpse De-bloater
Joe Niekro's Top 10 Excuses - August 6, 1987
10. The emory board is a new super-grip popsicle stick.
9. I only used it to apply Vaseline to the ball.
8. I needed it to scrape dried wads of chewing tobacco off the
bullpen telephone.
7. Delicate double-knit uniforms easily snagged on rough nails.
6. I was using it to make a statue of commissioner Ueberroth.
5. I used it as a bookmark for my dugout copy of Shirley MacLaine's
autobiography.
4. Rules of fair play are for saps and squares.
3. I've been hypnotized by evil dogs.
2. It was all William Casey's idea.
1. I like to give pedicures to ballboys.
David 's Top 10 Questions People Ask Me - August 6, 1987
10. Did someone cut your hair with a pocket knife?
9. Are you going to do Carnac tonight?
8. If you're really a detective, shouldn't you have some I.D.?
7. What sort of work are you looking for here at CBS?
6. Why would I want to pull your finger?
5. Who told you this was a nude beach?
4. More Champale, my funky friend?
3. Would you like an attorney assigned to you by the court?
2. Who is this? Why do you keep calling?
1. How did you get a show?
Top 10 Rejected Donahue Topics - August 7, 1987
10. People who keep thinking it's Tuesday
9. Heterosexual men who worship Judy Garland
8. Problems of guys named Don
7. People who have seen Raymond Burr naked
6. Blacks who really get a kick out of sonny Bono
5. Department store Santas who marry their customers
4. People who swear Rex Reed stares in their windows at night
3. Invisible mute people who don't show up on videotape
2. Women who just can't forget Ted Bessel
1. Professional Bowlers who touch themselves
Top 10 Unnecessary Surgical Operations - August 11, 1987
10. Hernia Implant
9. Saliva Transfusion
8. Decorative Lung Fringe
7. Internal Tanning
6. Carbonation of Spinal Fluid
5. Adding Third Taillight
4. Molding Liver into Shape of Little Scottie Dog
3. Ball-scuffing (A mistake, this should have appeared on
another list about Joe Niekro)
2. Permanent Bow-tie
1. Combining Large & Small Intestine into One More Manageable
Medium Intestine
Top 10 Surprises in the President's Speech - August 12, 1987
10. Pajama tops didn't match bottoms
9. Unexpected Bob Hope walk-on
8. Smouldering armchair in background cause for concern
7. Couldn't remember 4th & 5th verses of "Wabash Cannonball"
6. Impromptu cornet solo by Howard Baker
5. Obvious plugs for new presidential shampoo & conditioner inappropriate
4. Unannounced 3-minute clip from "La Bamba"
3. Refusal to add caffeine to 7-Up an odd cornerstone for U.S. foreign
policy
2. Tearful confession that he killed William Casey with poison blow-dart
1. Hysterical shouts of "We're hurtling toward the Sun!" made poor closing
statement
Top 10 Least Successful Yankee Stadium Promotions - August 13, 1987
10. Shave a player's legs night
9. Pick your own car radio parking lot bonanza
8. Oldtimers' widows vs. Triple-A All-stars
7. Your wife's nude photo on Diamondvision night
6. Anyone can pitch night (only against Cleveland)
5. Underwear swap with grounds crew
4. Yogi Berra makeover night
3. Look in Dave Winfield's pants night
2. A night in the court of Louis XIV
1. Players adjust your cup night
Top 10 Things Communists Are No Damn Good At - August 18, 1987
10. Surfing
9. Imitating Elvis
8. Laying Rubber in Front of the Dairy Queen
7. Arena Football
6. Stage-diving at Motorhead Concerts
5. Broadcasting Warm Sitcoms Featuring Lovable Black Families
4. Naming Soft Ice Cream Cakes
3. Ball-scuffing
2. Producing a Boxer with as Much Heart as Rocky
1. Guessing Final Jeopardy
Top 10 Excuses by the U.S. Basketball Team for Their Loss to Brazil at the
Pan American Games - August 25, 1987
10. Had really heavy lunches
9. Upset about Valerie Harper leaving "Valerie" show
8. U.S. team often played as many as 2 white guys at once
7. Overcome by mysterious sleepiness after barrage of blowdarts from
Brazilian bleachers
6. Disturbed by pregame discovery of Brent Musburger's shrunken head
in locker room
5. Unnerved by hundreds of Hitler clones doing wave in stands
4. Constantly threw ball out-of-bounds to stop shrieking of spider monkeys
3. That big liar Fred MacMurray didn't come through with the promised Flubber
2. Tired out from night before's mixer with gymnastic sluts
1. Team motto "Go for the silver" not very inspiring
Top 10 Things Overheard in a General Electric Research Lab - August 26, 1987
10. "Wow! Look at that stuff burn!"
9. "I keep forgetting, which is AC and which is DC?"
8. "Are you crazy? Do you know how much a recall would cost?"
7. "Whoops!"
6. "Watch what happens when I toss these bolts into the turbine."
5. "This is the episode where they almost get off the island."
4. "What we save on the radiation shielding, we can put into advertising.
3. "The new guy develped a new long-lasting, inexpensive filament. Kill him."
2. "The squid is no longer responding to the mind control! AAIIEEEEEE!
1. "Here comes the tour group. Put your pants on."
Top 10 Reasons Why TV is Better Than Books - August 27, 1987
10. Book readers miss out on K-tel record offers
9. Can't drive and read at the same time
8. No one ever got a paper cut from Hugh Downs
7. Books ask difficult questions but don't give away cars or cruises for
right answers
6. Books written by pasty-skinned geeks; TV full of chesty babes
5. "Soul Train"
4. Learning to work TV set solid training for future astronauts
3. TV easier to spell than book
2. No fun to dance in your underwear in front of book about Jane Pauley
1. Ralph Waldo Emerson. The Equalizer.
Top 10 Reasons I'm Retiring from Show Business - August 28, 1987
10. Tired of Endlessly rehearsing so-called "ad-libs"
9. Want to really get to know my bodyguards
8. New government regulations pay me more to not entertain
7. Thrill has gone out of humiliating underlings
6. grueling 4-hour work week just too much
5. No longer under protection of federal witness relocation program
4. must return to home planet for sacred mating ritual
3. Photos Paul ha sare more incriminating than I first thought
2. Jack Nicklaus asked me to . . . and that's enough for me
1. I saw last night's show
The Pope's Top 10 Complaints About His U.S. Tour - September 15, 1987
10. Often mistaken in restaurants for Lee Iacocca
9. Not sure how people got impression he came over to fight Mike Tyson
8. Disappointed to find out there is no real Ponderosa
7. Mark Goodman's hair
6. 7 bucks? For a movie?
5. McDonalds coupons from one city not always honored in another city
4. Hitchikers keep switching stations on Popemobile radio
3. Lukewarm crowd reaction to his 20-minute bass solo
2. Casey Kasem
1. Doctrine of Papal Infallibility no help to him on Final Jeopardy question
Top 10 Names for Robert Bork's Beard - September 16, 1987
10. The Chin Slinky
9. The Amish Outlaw
8. The See-Through
7. My Very First Beard (from Kenner)
6. The Lunatic Fringe
5. Senor Itchy
4. The Radioactive Goat
3. Salute to C. Everett Koop
2. Gopher Butt
1. The Babe Magnet
Top 10 Rejected Provisions of the U.S. Constitution - September 17, 1987
10. President may not use army and navy to get back at guy who beat him up
in junior high
9. Give vote to dogs who "think they're people"
8. When flag passes everybody has to open eyes as wide as they can and
say "Gollee!"
7. Third house of Congress to be filled by really fat guys
6. If president and vice president die suddenly, presidential office
shall be filled by People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive"
5. Cruel and unusual punishment is OK on Andy Rooney
4. The national bird must be served on a bun - never on a stick
3. Each state will have the right to claim they have the hottest-looking
babes
2. Damage deposit of $25 required before renting the White House for keg
parties
1. The president can change his name as often as he likes
Top 10 Questions Asked of Miss America Finalists - September 18, 1987
10. Since when is knuckle-cracking considered a talent?
9. If you were shipwrecked on a desert island with Geraldo Rivera, how
long would it be before you took your own life?
8. How's it feel to be the only contestant with a fat butt?
7. Aren't I a lot cuter than Bob Barker?
6. Have you ever been on a cruise with Gary Hart?
5. Why are they called celebrity judges when none has had a decent job
in years?
4. Aren't there any other girls in your state?
3. If you had to earmark one of the other girls for death, which one
would it be?
2. Quick -- spell America!
1. Do you really think you have a chance, Mr. Biden?
Top 10 Reasons Joe Biden Dropped out of the Presidential Race
- September 23, 1987
10. To promote his new album "Bad"
9. Plans to spend more time with imaginary coalminer relatives
8. He accidentally delivered Nixon's resignation speech
7. Realized he didn't have a chance against the Gephardt juggernaut
6. His term paper business is really taking off
5. Couldn't pronounce "Ich bin ein Berliner"
4. Finally got tickets for last leg of Dead tour
3. Decided to run for presidency of Hair Club for Men
2. "The New Monkees" are on TV now and a man has just so much time
1. Wants to chase skirts full-time with Gary Hart
Top 10 Things Robert Bork Regrets - September 24, 1987
10. Ruling against plaintiff in Lovable Homeless Puppies vs. State of Illinois
9. Starting a beard he couldn't finish
8. Challenging Ted Kennedy to a dough-eating contest
7. Bragging to buddies that he'd be tongue-wrestling Sandra Day O'Connor by
Christmas
6. Putting Pop Tarts in pocket of condemned man to see what electric chair
could do
5. Letting Billy Dee Williams beat him out for that malt liquour endorsement
deal
4. Letting Justice Rehnquist talk him into buying half-interest in boxing
kangaroo
3. All those long tear-stained letters to Ray Walston
2. "Doing the elephant" at Warren Burger's retirement party
1. Stormy 3-week marriage to Morganna the Kissing Bandit
Jessica Hahn's Top 10 Turn-Ons - September 25, 1987
10. Guys with their own amusement parks
9. Sipping drugged wine with someone who respects me
8. Making Mom really mad
7. Suits that are at least 30% cotton
6. Men who look like frogs
5. Jokes about Donna Rice
4. Some of the commandments
3. High school graduates who aren't all stuck-up
2. Men with wives who make me look good
1. A single perfect rose and a sack of hush money
Top 10 Other Things William Casey Said on His Death Bed - September 29, 1987
10. "Nice nurse outfit, Woodward."
9. "That fruit cake Mrs. Reagan sent me tasted kinda funny."
8. "They actually tried that Iran thing? I was just kidding!"
7. "Oh boy, only one more piece to go and I complete my Civil War chess set."
6. "Here's another one for you, Sandy Duncan is KGB."
5. "If Michael Jackson calls, hold out for half a million."
4. "C'mon. One last sponge bath."
3. "Damn! Just when arena football was getting good."
2. "If they make a movie, don't let Pee Wee Herman play me."
1. "Remember the Gong Show? I was the unknown comic."
Mikhail Gorbachev's Top 10 Excuses for Being Missing - September 30, 1987
10. Having cosmetic surgery to make his nose resemble Diana Ross'
9. In a really long line for toilet paper
8. Afraid he might run into Billy Joel
7. Wanted to just suddenly appear in public with really big muscles
6. Sick of being asked what "glasnost" means
5. Finally got hand unstuck from pickle jar
4. Working on ambitious plan to introduce chain of Rusty Jones outlets
throughout USSR
3. Bought van; followed Grateful Dead on tour
2. Overseeing joint CIA/KGB plan to eliminate Yakov Smirnoff
1. On a trans-Siberian sex bender with Miss Estonia
General Electric's Top 10 Earthquake Tips - October 1, 1987
10. To communicate with neighbors, flip porch light on and off
9. Shore up sagging foundations with newly purchased electric stove
8. Destroy Westinghouse products; replace them with G.E. products
7. Use blender to make pitcher of nerve-soothing daiquiris
6. Discourage looting by surrounding house with hundreds of open waffle
irons turned on high
5. Switch on yard and pool lights before evacuation
4. Prepare kid for tremors with educational rides in the washing machine
3. Boost morale by stringing up all your Xmas lights and turning them on
2. Entertain family by making crank calls to Sylvania headquarters
1. Use the dream of a 4-way light bulb of the future as incentive to stay
alive
Top 10 Current Goals of the New York Mets - October 2, 1987
10. Keep uniforms as clean as possible for the remainder of the season
9. Trace genealogy of name "Mookie"
8. Finally learn words to "The Star-Spangled Banner"
7. Think up rude new nickname for Whitey Herzog
6. Make whiny late-night calls to commissioner Ueberroth claiming Cardinals
are "cheaters"
5. Get to know -- get to really know -- stadium organist
4. Get green card renewed (Rafael Santana)
3. Sleep in (Darryl Strawberry)
2. Play last game of season buck naked
1. Sign up for area NFL teams
Top 10 Unsuccessful Mall Shops - October 6, 1987
10. Jiffy-Spay
9. Kentucky-Fried Pinworm
8. One-Hour Autopsy-Mat
7. Fatso Riley's Airtight Hellhole
6. The Prescription Drug Swap Barn
5. Big-and-Tall-Men's Lacy Lingerie
4. Dr. Don's Plasma Pantry
3. Mookie's Cookie Nook
2. Giant Radioactive Red Lobster
1. Grandma's Old-Fashioned Smallpox-Infested Army Blankets
Top 10 Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library Association
- October 7, 1987
10. Curious George and the High-Voltagge Fence
9. The Boy Who Died from Eating all his Vegetables
8. Legends of Scab Football
7. Teddy: the Elf with a Detached Retina
6. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
5. Joe Garagiola Re-tells Favorite Fairy Tails but Can't Remember the
Endings to all of Them
4. Ed Beckley's Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom's Pocket
3. Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will
2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
Top 10 Slogans of the Scab NFL - October 8, 1987
10. We're not football players . . . but we play them on TV!
9. Come for the refund . . . stay for the game!
8. Bring a helmet and join the fun!
7. Get spit on by Lawrence Taylor!
6. It still beats arena football!
5. Out-of-condition athletes guarantee plenty of personal injuries!
4. We have a fine selection of magazines!
3. Look! It's my old gym teacher!
2. Enough beer and you won't know the difference!
1. It's scab-tastic!
Top 10 Disadvantages of Winning a Nobel Prize - October 13, 1987
10. You have to get kissed by herring-breathed King Olaf
9. Automatically disqualifies you from being a contestant on "Jeopardy"
8. Dangling medallion could get caught in open blender
7. More junk mail from fly-by-night award-polishing services
6. Distant relatives pestering you for free advice on particle physics
5. Have to get in embarassing kickline at end of ceremony with other winners
4. Friends always borrowing medal for 10% discount at participating Red
Lobsters
3. Run-ins with gangs of Pulitzer prize-winners usually end up in a brawl
2. Sarcasm of postman when he says, "Here's your copy of Big Juggs magazine,
Mr. Nobel Laureate."
1. Don't see a dime from the Mattel Nobel Prize action figures
Top 10 Ways to Make George Bush More Exciting - October 14, 1987
10. Kill a man with his bare hands on network TV
9. Divorce Barabara; marry 13-year-old cousin
8. Stick tongue inn Sam Donaldson's ear during press conference
7. Disappear into Alaskan wilderness with Rosanna Arquette; return with
necklace made of bear teeth
6. Change campaign slogan from "Bush in '88" to "Party with the Bushmeister"
5. Answer questions on "Meet the Press" with "I'm too drunk to remember."
4. Bend standing microphone into pretzel-shape; give to cub reporter as
souvenir
3. Nickname him George "The Sexecutioner" Bush
2. Start hanging with Earth, Wind & Fire
1. Shorter speeches, tighter pants
Top 10 Iranian Pick-Up Lines - October 28, 1987
10. "You'd look great under a couple more veils."
9. "Truly Allah made you in the image of Heather Locklear."
8. "I hate these rallies against the American jackals -- they're just
meat markets."
7. "You'd look beautiful in the glow of that burning tanker."
6. "How about you and me hijack a plane to Cancun?"
5. "We could go to my place -- if you don't mind a few hostages."
4. "So the streets of the world will flow red with the blood of
non-believers. By the way -- nice earrings."
3. "I can't believe they're making another Police Academy movie."
2. "Which airport do you think has the loosest security?"
1. "I don't see it myself -- but people tell me I look like the Ayatollah."
Top 10 Scariest Sentences - October 30, 1987
10. Here's your bunkmate for the flight to Jupiter -- Miss Carol Channing.
9. You've been traded to the Indians.
8. All rise for Chief Justice Norm Crosby.
7. They're tiny, superintelligent, with poisonous stingers and I saw them
come in here.
6. I thought you sold our stocks last month.
5. Mr. Gotti wants us to teach you some manners.
4. How does it feel to be the new Mrs. Jerry Lee Lewis?
3. Looks like we're going to be cellmates -- pretty boy.
2. Bob Woodward is here to see you.
1. This nude beach is fun. Say, isn't that Tommy Lasorda?
Top 10 New York City Pedestrian Tips - November 4, 1987
10. The city does not employ so-called "wallet inspectors."
9. Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernail.
8. Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
7. John Gotti always has the right of way.
6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
Princess Diana's Top 10 Complaints About Prince Charles - November 5, 1987
10. Repulsive orange teeth after scarfing down entire bag of Cheetos.
9. Threatens me with beheading for leaving nylons hanging in bathroom.
8. Giggles like a schoolgirl around Buckingham Palace guards.
7. That phony British accent.
6. Never puts the cap back on the mango love butter.
5. Unfavorably compares cooking of my chef to cooking of his mother's chef.
4. Laughs like a hyena at reruns of "The Jeffersons."
3. Always calls Pizza Hut before we're decided on topping we want.
2. Constantly slips and calls me "Oprah."
1. Wears "Home of Big Ben" boxer shorts.
Top 10 Other Things Douglas Ginsberg Has Admitted Doing - November 6, 1987
10. Sneaked into other movies at the cineplex.
9. Cut through service station to avoid a red light.
8. Rebroadcast accounts and descriptions of game without the express written
consent of Major League baseball.
7. Actually bought the single of "Convoy."
6. Lied to pals about being member of the "Mile-High Club."
5. Wrestled in the South under name "The Junkyard Justice."
4. Used proper noun while playing home version of "Password."
3. Beat a drifter to death with a tube sock full of wood screws.
2. Used Prell for regular hair even though his hair is oily.
1. Skipped ahead to ending of constitution without reading whole thing.
Top 10 Least Visited New York City Tourist Attractions - November 17, 1987
10. The Museum of Subway Odors
9. Cat Meat Cook-Off
8. The Abandoned Auto Show
7. Amish Peep Shows
6. Chalk Body Outline Walking Tour
5. Knicks Games
4. Psychotic Loner Renaissance Fair
3. Mob Informant Aqua-Show
2. Mookie-Land
1. The Frozen Spit Rink
Top 10 Reasons Why Anthony Kennedy Will Be
Confirmed to the Supreme Court - November 18, 1987
10. Was given all the answers to committee questions by Bork and Ginsburg.
9. Has come out strongly against Liza Minnelli.
8. Promised everyone on committee dinner on him at nearest Red Lobster
restaurant.
7. Pretty handy with his mitts.
6. He was great in all those "Airport" movies.
5. Computer favorite following talent competition.
4. Already played a judge on episode of "Starsky & Hutch."
3. Parents have a ski house and they're hardly ever there.
2. Sold interest in chain of head shops a long time ago.
1. Looks great in black.
Top 10 Things Overheard in Times Square - November 19, 1987
10. "Quick! Call 911!"
9. "I'll take a pack of gum and a ninja spike, please."
8. "I'm pretty sure there's only one `L' in Rolex."
7. "Valet parking at the Port Authority? What a surprise! Here are my keys."
6. "Gibt mir die Polizei! Mach schnell!"
5. "Only one person per booth Mr. Chancellor!"
4. "You're right! It does smell a little like root beer!"
3. "I refuse to get on the bus to Ohio until we find the rest of Mrs.
Gardner."
2. "Yikes! Those hollow points really hurt!"
1. "It's getting so you can't tell the transvestites from the transsexuals."
Top 10 Way to Reduce the Federal Deficit - November 20, 1987
10. Eliminate throw pillows from the cockpit of the B-1 bomber
9. Make national park rangers provide their own hats
8. Start charging for tours of U. S. Embassy in Moscow
7. Step up taxation of rich - except for strategically important talk show
hosts
6. Sell ad space on president's forehead during State of the Union Address
5. Use tremendous military strength to "shake down" Norway for a couple of
grand
4. Charge a buck to take a poke at a condemned criminal
3. Print up a single jillion-dollar bill; use it to buy candy bar; pocket
the change
2. Don't send so many cakes to the Ayatollah
1. Let Ed Meese take a billion dollars to Vegas and try out his blackjack
system
Gorbachev's Top 10 Happiest Memories of America - December 11, 1987
10. Stocking up on toilet paper
9. Solving "Wheel of Fortune" puzzle before contestants
8. Crashing limo into Fotomat and pleading diplomatic immunity
7. Getting a great deal on that Rolex bought on the street
6. Not wearing underwear during treaty signing
5. Shouting out punch lines to Yakov Smirnoff's act
4. Looking up old skirt-chasing buddies from the Marine Corps.
3. Hearing own voice on the Home Shopping Network
2. Just getting away from the kids, Kremlin, the whole ball of wax
1. Spur-of-the-moment drive to Tijuana with Chuck Connors
Gary Hart's Top 10 Christmas Wishes - December 15, 1987
10. Newspapers latch onto photos of Michael Dukakis and bearded lady.
9. Jesse Jackson suddenly loses his ability to rhyme.
8. People start referring to sleazy womanizing as "Kennedyesque."
7. George Bush gets irresistible urge to fondle Jean Kirkpatrick at
press conference.
6. Complete set of yearbooks from the Barbizon School of Modeling.
5. To be played by Lorenzo Lamas in Donna Rice's made-for-TV movie.
4. Miss September consents to be his running mate.
3. Snow for a white Christmas.
2. So much snow that his secretary can't get her car out of the driveway
and has to spend the night.
1. The Landers sisters and a case of malt liquor.
Top 10 Least-Known Norman Rockwell Paintings - December 21, 1987
10. "A Boy's First Manicure"
9. "The Old Hobo's Infected Foot"
8. "The Circus Geek and the Cub Scout"
7. "Caught Touching Himself"
6. "Sniper in the Mall"
5. "Sweetheart of the Cell-Block"
4. "Christmas at the Hair Club for Men"
3. "Andrew Wyeth Nails Helga"
2. "Bad Clams"
1. "Turn Your Head and Cough"
Top 10 Elf Pick-Up Lines - December 22, 1987
10. "I'm down here."
9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy."
8. "I was once a lawn ornament for Jon Bon Jovi."
7. "I can get you off the naughty list."
6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."
5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over
at Keebler."
3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."
2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."
1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners."
Top 10 Way Circus People Celebrate Christmas - December 23, 1987
10. Geek says grace; bites head off turkey
9. Clowns dress like wise men and pile into tiny car
8. Bust into lost and found; try on hats
7. Warm slices of bologna on boiler of steam calliope
6. Get elephants to stomp open brazil nuts
5. Get drunk and take a swing at the ringmaster
4. Bake a pan of gingerbread pinheads
3. Put on Andy Williams records; have midgets waltz with monkeys
2. Tell really mean insulting jokes about Democratic presidential candidates
1. Walk down to the highway; throw bottles at police cars
Top 10 Things Dave Prays to God Won't Happen in 1988 - January 6, 1988
10. U.N. declares "International Year of the Vee-Jay"
9. Nabisco introduces Hair Newtons
8. Guests take me up on offer to "come back anytime"
7. Bryant Gumbel joins the carpool
6. Fans find out I'm voice of Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs bird
5. Peter Ueberroth allows Tommy Lasorda to manage nude
4. National Guard units start taking orders from Buck Owens
3. Copy turns up of my old movie, "Cockpit Sex Fest"
2. Leonard: Part 7
1. Venus slips out of orbit, scrapes Earth, I have to replace gutters
Top 10 Things that are Hot in the Soviet Union - January 7, 1988
10. Yankee rocker Bert Convey
9. Wet babushka contests
8. Turnips Cajun-style
7. Making smart comebacks to uniformed officers in your head
6. Smuggling out long-distance dedications to Casey Kasem
5. Catch-phrase "Workers of the world are not gonna pay a lot for this
muffler"
4. Claiming you once drove a cab in New York City
3. Souvenir swatches of Tom Brokaw's sheets
2. Having them page really dirty names over labor camp loudspeaker
1. Doing "the wave" at the Bolshoi
Elvis Presley's Top 10 Household Hints - January 8, 1988
10. A little club soda will get food stains out of satin capes.
9. Bargain metal polishes may discolor solid gold piano.
8. Use blowdryer to speed up defrosting time on TV dinners.
7. A wad of gum will keep medallion from sliding around your chest.
6. Stubborn stain on auto upholstery? Buy a new car.
5. Jewel-encrusted belts make good emergency snow treads.
4. Put Las Vegas souvenirs on mantle for "museum" effect.
3. Out of hairspray? Try Pam.
2. For a classy dessert, remove sticks from Eskimo Pies before serving.
1. A small handgun makes any TV remote control.
Top 10 General Electric Products in Development - January 12, 1988
10. Artificial appendix
9. Electric dreadlock de-tangler
8. TV audio system that automatically adds an Italian accent
7. 3-speed back shaver
6. Secret beam that causes brains of Sylvania executives to balloon up
until they burst
5. Telephone voice modulator that makes you sound like Alex Trebek
4. TV screen that makes every Cosby Kid look black
3. New patio for Robert C. Wright's house
2. Zombie monkeys who operate waffle iron
1. The vibrating pocket-buddy
Top 10 Rejected Themes for the Ice Capades - January 13, 1988
10. Big Bird Gets Mites
9. A Fat Smurf Hits on Dorothy Hamill
8. Eldridge Cleaver's Soul on Ice on Ice
7. Torvil and Dean Fight over the Guy Who Drives the Zamboni
6. Squeaky Fromme. Where Are You?
5. Snoopy Stains the Ice
4. March of the Not-Very-Masculine Ice Dancers
3. Peggy Fleming in Ice Bitches Behind Bars
2. Thin Costumes Plus Cold Air Equals Entertainment for Dad
1. True Ice Fishing Tragedies from Police Files
Top 10 Highlights of the Australian Bicentennial - January 14, 1988
10. Unveiling of world's largest been can pyramid
9. Prime Minister opens bottle of beer with eye
8. Colossal 500-pound shrimp lowered onto custom-rigged volcano barbie
7. Poet laureate manipulates beer belly to look like kangaroo pouch
6. Live national telecast of drunken Qantas koala set loose in convenience
store
5. Postage stamp issued honoring "Now that's a knife" scene in "Crocidile
Dundee"
4. Cultural Minister shotguns 6-pack of Fosters while singing "Waltzing
Matilda"
3. Schoolchildren given souvenir mugs of 3.2 beer
2. Nuclear missiles fired at Antarctica as climax of outdoor beer-a-thon
1. Bee Gees released naked in Outback; hunted for sport
Campbell's Top 10 Least Popular Soups - January 19, 1988
10. Cream of Gristle
9. Tomato Garagiola
8. Old-fashioned Grease & Weasel
7. Mink Bisque
6. Turkey with Platformate
5. Tap Water & Lawn Trimmings
4. Turkish Prison Surprise
3. Bryant Gumbo
2. Sideburns 'n' Barley
1. Manhattan-style Windex & Shrimp
Top 10 Questions Science Cannot Answer - January 20, 1988
10. Which one's Kate and which one's Allie?
9. How did Ed McMahon get my home address?
8. How can guys on the street sell real Rolexes for $10?
7. Why don't the laws of physics inhibit the expansion of Paul Prudhomme?
6. How can wrestling refs miss so many illegal holds?
5. How could the IRS be so dense about my "church"?
4. Why do men achieve orgasm in a second while women never have them?
3. Why, if Mr. Ed could talk, he never complained about having to stand
in straw soaked with his own urine?
2. How can 10 short items take an hour to read?
1. What exactly was Jimmy the Greek bred for?
Top 10 Least Popular Attractions at Disney World - January 21, 1988
10. The Raw Sewage Flume
9. Oprah Mountain
8. Moses Malone's Enchanted Laundry Hamper
7. Parade of Short Actors in Stifling Animal Suits
6. Pegleg Pete's Prison Shower Room
5. Muggyland
4. Hall of Vice Presidents
3. Walt's Walk-in Freezer and Crypt
2. Turn the Hose on Lady and the Tramp
1. Peter Pan's All-male Cinema
Top 10 Excuses by the Denver Broncos - February 2, 1988
10. Pregame shoe mix-up with rockettes
9. Depressing halftime pep-talk by Larry Holmes
8. Wanted to keep uniforms clean for postgame photo
7. Weak with laughter from humorous banners in stands
6. Show-off John Elway called plays in French
5. Secure enough in our manhood to play gently
4. Worried sick about this George Bush/Dan Rather tiff
3. Entire team giddy with anticipation of "Late Night's 6th Anniversary
Special" on NBC, Thursday, Feb. 4, 9:30 Eastern, 8:30 Central
2. Wanted to beat the traffic
1. Coach's ill-chosen battle cry of "Let's win one for the late Roy Cohn!"
Top 10 Signs that Dan Rather is Goofy - February 3, 1988
10. Took swing at Hamburglar statue at New Haven McDonalds; made children cry
9. Marketing Dan Rather's Own Original Invisible Salad Dressing
8. Thinks the miniseries "Elvis & Me" is about Elvis & him
7. Likes to sit alone in office in empty box, humming to self, claiming
he's "on assignment"
6. Demands colleagues address him as "Debbie"
5. Obsessed with temperature in studio
4. Tells some friends he really loves Bartles; others he really loves Jaymes
3. He's not giddy with anticipation of "Late Night's 6th Anniversary Special"
on NBC, Thursday, Feb. 4, 9:30 Eastern, 8:30 Central
2. He's friends with Andy Rooney
1. Now signs off each broadcast "I'll paint any car any color for $99.95"
Top 10 Reasons We've Been on the Air for 10 Years
(Late Night's 6th Anniversary Special) - February 4, 1988
10. There's nothing else on
9. Watching me makes viewers feel good about their own haircuts
8. America has enjoyed watching Opie grow up on the show
7. Program costs less to produce than a pitcher of Kool-Aid
6. Many viewers believe Tom Snyder will return in mid-broadcast and
mop the floor with me
5. Youngsters think Paul Schaffer is a puppet
4. My friendship with Frank Sinatra
3. People love Vanna
2. The same reason people slow down for a car wreck
1. I love people, and I guess it shows
Top 10 Things Our Receptions Say Every Day - February 5, 1988
10. "No, Tom Snyder is not here."
9. "You're a bunch of guys in a college dorm? Let me give you Dave's
home number."
8. "Hello. Bill Wendell's Amway Headquarters."
7. "Thank you Mr. President, but no one here played in the Super Bowl."
6. "If you wish to sue Mr. Letterman, I can give you the 800 number."
5. "Nice language, Mr. Gumbel!
4. "I'm sorry. We're all out of transcripts of the bed-wetters show."
3. "No, I only lead the band during the show. I'm on the phones during
the day."
2. Oh yeah? Well, he probably thinks you're an unfunny jerk too!"
1. Yes, Mr. Donahue, Marlo's up here. But she doesn't want to talk to you."
God's Top 10 Pet Peeves - February 9, 1988
10. People who mumble when they pray
9. I've got to hear all of Andy Rooney's thoughts
8. Just can't seem to get California to fall in the ocean
7. People at the table who open their eyes and size up the pot roast
during grace
6. Being everywhere at once, I have to sit through the Tony Awards
5. The way they fire veejays before you really get to know them
4. Cosby acts so "stuck-up" lately
3. That Nissan ad with the obnoxious actors pretending to be auto engineers
2. Still getting flak for letting in Jim Morrison
1. Pat Robertson
Top 10 Ways to Perk Up the Bush Campaign - February 11, 1988
10. Star in aminmated commercial with dancing raisins.
9. Spread rumor he killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.
8. Weep openly at Doobie Brothers reunion concert.
7. Get old CIA buddies to lob nerve gas canisters into Pete Dupont's
headquarters.
6. Let reporters find him naked in stalled car with Nina Blackwood.
5. Wear a cast on arm; claim he got it saving Sinatra's life.
4. Deliver speeches in a squeaky voice.*
3. Release doctored photo that makes it look like he's met President Reagan.
2. Give God $10 million to call Pat Robertson home.
1. Show up at Dan Rather's house swinging pool cue and shouting "Here's
you frequency, Kenneth!"
* Already does this.
Cornella Guest's Top 10 Things She Likes about Sylvester Stallone
- February 16, 1988
10. Can squeeze words "I love you" into a single belch.
9. I can feel free to quote in original Latin and Greek.
8. He's so cute when he tries to pronounce "debutante."
7. Easy to remember the endings to his movies.
6. The way his eyes lit up when I explained how Nestle's Quik works.
5. Makes my shallow Eurotrash friends feel at home.
4. He's the first man to literally drool over me.
3. He always says "May I?" before he marks a room with his scent.
2. Three more months and I've got grounds for a palimony suit.
1. His stupid heavy-lidded gaze puts me at ease.
Top 10 Reasons the U.S. Has Won Only One Stinking Bronze Medal
- February 17, 1988
10. Jamacian bobsled team tougher than we thought.
9. Thought you could rent skates there.
8. Distracted by fabulous shopping in Olympic Village.
7. Too much emphasis put on written portion of competition.
6. Majority of team mistakenly went to Calcutta -- where they're kicking
butt!
5. Distracted by Kathy Lee and Frank Gifford making out in the press box.
4. Hope to get high-paying "Agony of Defeat" spot on Wide World of Sports.
3. Ice dancers can't concentrate with dashing Mounties around.
2. Who cares? The real Olympics are Sept. 16 through Oct. 7 right here on NBC.
1. Uniforms are just so itchy.
Dave's Top 10 Election Tips - February 18, 1988
10. Practice voting by flicking light switch on and off.
9. Always find out how a candidate stands on Sunday beer sales.
8. If you repeat the name "Dukakis" 100 times out loud, it starts to sound
real funny.
7. We want a president who stands up to Iran or Iraq or whoever has the
bearded guy.
6. As a gag, close curtain in booth and shout "Hey who used all the hot water?"
5. Voting is important, but nobody would blame you if you stayed home to watch
"Hardbodies" on cable again.
4. If a station preempts wrestling -- call and complain.
3. Introduce yourself in bars as Albert Gore. Who would know?
2. President Stallone: it won't happen unless we make it happen.
1. Remember: your vote counts as much as people who know who the candidates
are.
Top 10 Cartoon Characters or Organized Crime Figures* - Repeat
10. Felix the Cat
9. Popeye the Sailor
8. Jimmy the Weasel
7. Matty the Horse
6. Rocky the Flying Squirrel
5. Dominic the After Dinner Mint
4. Scooby-Doo the Butcher
3. Grant the Chairman
2. Vito the Cartoon Chipmunk
1. Huey, Dewey, and Louie, Gli Anatroccoli Della Morte, the
Ducklings of Death
* The characters in this Top 10 List do not represent any ethnic group
and it would be erroneous and unfair to suggest they do. The majority
of cartoon characters and Italian-Americans are hardworking, law-abiding
citizens and a credit to our nation.
Top 10 Reasons Why Dave Should Have Been Named the US Magazine "Entertainer
of the Year" (Tom Selleck was) - February 23, 1988
10. My six-octave range
9. I design all my own costumes
8. Selleck's goons intimidated my supporters in key midwestern states
7. I did very well on the written part of the competition
6. Remember "Lassiter"?
5. I would use power of title to restore peace in Mideast
4. I spent over 20 grand on cheekbone implants
3. Selleck is only about 5' 1"
2. These readers' polls are turning into nothing but popularity contests
1. Damn it, I deserve something! Don't I?
Top 10 Ways the Show Would Be Different If It Were on Radio
- February 25, 1988
10. Could wear cheaper hairpiece.
9. Instead of endlessly repeating "It's hot in here" I could endlessly
repeat "Turn your radio down."
8. Guests could sit on my lap.
7. Could get laughs by using cheap sound effects instead of actual jokes.*
6. Could send out my autograph on picture of Pierce Brosnan.
5. Wouldn't have to be here at 6 a.m. every day for application of
prosthetic chin.
4. Enjoying show in moving car would be safer.
3. Teri Garr would be on a lot.*
2. Could probably say "Bite me."
1. Love songs, nothing but love songs.
* Do this anyway
Top 10 Problems of Anthony Kennedy Being the New Guy on the Supreme Court
- February 26, 1988
10. Have to rent robe until custom-tailored one comes in.
9. Stuck with worst equipment in Supreme Court weight room.
8. Have to go to liquor store on Fridays to cash everybody's paycheck.
7. Sandra Day O'Connor calling your legal opinions "cute."
6. Can't get high with Judge Ginsburg anymore.
5. Only get to write opinions for fender-benders and complaints about the
CBS Record Club.
4. Have to sell Supreme Court albums at table in lobby during intermission.
3. Last one to see Hustler magazine left over from Falwell case.
2. Can't put off reading the Constitution any longer.
1. Nobody takes you seriously when you sentence a guy to death by
electrocution.
Top 10 Unpleasant Things to Hear on an Elevator - March 1, 1988
10. Does this look infected to you?
9. Do you know these pants are reversible?
8. Hold the door! Willard's coming!
7. The acoustics in this elevator are perfect for yodeling.
6. Sorry about my finger. I was aiming for a button.
5. Would you do a number for us, Miss Channing?
4. We're both going to the 14th floor. How about a hug?
3. I'm not just a Jehovahs Witness -- I also sell insurance.
2. Does this smell like root beer to you?
1. Just ignore Duke. We're going to have him fixed soon.
Top 10 Good Things about General Noriega - March 2, 1988
10. Always says "Please pass the kneecap drill."
9. Generous frequent-flyer program on all drug-smuggling flights.
8. Offers comfort and reassurance to guilt-ridden riflemen in firing squads.
7. Sometimes gets misty listening to Julio Iglesias records.
6. His homemade Rice Krispie squares are the hit of every brutal
interrogation session.
5. Thrifty habits have allowed him to put away several billion on modest
soldier's salary.
4. Muffles screams of torture victims after 11 p.m.
3. Has world's largest collection of porcelain mice.
2. Never schedules public executions during Cosby show.
1. Gives young people who aspire to be blood-drunk lunatics someone to
look up to.
Michael Jackson's Top 10 Activities While in New York - March 3, 1988
10. Go to Museum of Natural History, try to purchase remains of tyrannosaurus.
9. Buy Broadway cast of "Cats" for backyard zoo.
8. Have slap fight with Greta Garbo.
7. Pick up an "I Love New York" mug for Tito.
6. Order more lingerie for Bubbles.
5. Meet Brooke Shileds; get legs waxed together.
4. Appear at comedy clubs with Emmanuel Lewis posing as Willie Tyler
and Lester.
3. Knock back shots and beers with ironworker pals in Jersey City.
2. Golf! Golf! Golf!
1. Rap with street gangs like ones in video; get crap beat of out him.
Top 10 Reasons Why Dave is Taking Next Week Off - March 4, 1988
10. City Council ruling that this time I have to clean up my yard.
9. Told Jimmy Swaggart I'd guest-host for week.
8. I'm just plain lazy.
7. Want to use up everything in kitchen and bathroom cabinets before
expiration dates.
6. CBS is putting "Adderly" up against us. Why even try to compete?
5. Square dancing! Square dancing! Square dancing!
4. Now is the time to plant zinnias.
3. Had Scheduled same guests as in repeats anyway.
2. Getting house ready for annual barbecue I host for my fans.
1. I'm going to Disney World with Brian Boitano.
Top 10 Things Characteristic of Ted Koppel or Insects - repeat from Feb. '87
10. Can eat through fabric.
9. Can feel superior to Sylvester Stallone.
8. Can carry gigantic crackers back to nest or dressing room.
7. Enjoy chats with Sam Donaldson about big melting Hershey bar on sidewalk.
6. Builds home out of own body secretions.
5. Can annoy Barbara Mandrell in her sleep.
4. Really enjoy Art Buchwald's jokes. (insects only)
3. Have ruined many a young boy's camping experience.
2. Sticky hair on legs useful in organizing evening's notes.
1. Can breed in standing water.
Top 10 Things Heard at New York City's St. Patricks Day Parade
- March 17, 1987 (repeat)
10. "Today, my name is Mayor O'Koch."
9. "Allright! Another bagpipe band!"
8. "Gee, food sure tastes good when you boil it."
7. "You have the right to remain silent . . . ."
6. "That's not a float -- that's Tip O'Neill."
5. "Awww . . . not on my shoes!"
4. "These foreign cars tip over much easier."
3. "Hey, that guy's not wearing green -- kill him!"
2. "While we're in the neighborhood, let's drop by the Museum of Modern Art."
1. "You'll get your personal effects back downtown, Monsignor."
Top 10 Expressions that Sound Dirty but Really Aren't - February 3, 1986)
10. "Frosting the pastry"
9. "Shooting hoops"
8. "Jumping the turnstile"
7. "Checking your oil"
6. "Tethering the blimp"
5. "Sending out for sushi"
4. "Picnic on the grass"
3. "Quarter-pounder at the Golden Arches"
2. "Shaking hands with Abraham Lincoln"
1. "Windsurfing on Mount Baldy"
Top 10 Really Nice Things about New York in the Summer - July 5, 1988
10. Abundant wonderland of unidentifiable smells.
9. Out-of-towners overjoyed by secret hope that maybe they'll get to
manage the Yankees.
8. Air-conditioned comfort of bright, shiny, well-appointed subway cars.
7. Ed Koch usually out of town on "business."
6. Warm, thin air enables stray bullets to travel farther.
5. First-run Broadway plays waive no-shirt, no-shoes, no service policy.
4. Giant heat-seeking, bat-like lizards swarm skyscrapers at night.
3. Most cab drivers, in lieu of tip, gladly accept gentle kiss on forhead.
2. Bobbing corpses in East River make perfect water ski slalom course.
1. Tattoos, tattoos, tattoos.
Top 10 Things Iran & Iraq have Agreed On - August 9, 1988
10. Iran must remove "Iraqis do it with germs" bumper stickers.
9. Official name of conflict to be "The Duel in the Dunes."
8. In next war, Iran will be shirts; Iraq skins.
7. Bombs should not be counted as a piece of carry-on luggage.
6. Get to keep any really hunky prisoners until Labor Day.
5. Final body counts will be tallied by the firm of Price-Waterhouse
and kept secret until awards dinner.
4. Really ugly guys should wear veils too.
3. Leftover nerve gas to be piped directly into Rex Reed's home.
2. The television and movie producers are money-grubbing scum.
1. Will both try to say "I love you" more often.
Top 10 Good Things about the Greenhouse Effect - August 10, 1988
10. Melting polar ice caps make for better surfing.
9. Long lines at Disney World reduced by sunstroke.
8. With five years, Jerry Lewis' hair will be bone dry.
7. Can use "stuck in road tar" as acceptable excuse for missing work.
6. ABC will take a $200 million bath on Winter Olympics.
5. Intense heat should open pores in General Noriega's forehead.
4. My dog-shaving business will take off.
3. "I'm dehydrated" will replace "I'm not gonna pay a lot for this
muffler" as America's favorite phrase.
2. Can cook lobster by lowering it into toilet.
1. Hot babes, less clothes. 'Nuff said.
Top 10 Slogans for Cher's New Perfume - August 11, 1988
10. I smell you, babe.
9. It's like having a tattoo in a bottle.
8. I'm not gonna pay a lot for this perfume!
7. It's Cher-rific!
6. The crowning touch to excessive plastic surgery.
5. It's easier than bathing.
4. I get 12 cents for every bottle sold.
3. Now any middle-aged woman can marry a teenager.
2. Easy-pour splatter-proof bottle.
1. Bring out the Bono in your man.
Top 10 Things Edmonton Still has Going for It - August 12, 1988
10. Plenty of parking near hockey arena.
9. Good chance for kids to see caribou mating.
8. Competition now wide open for Oilers' M.V.P.
7. Many filling stations offer classy "hi-test" gasoline.
6. Visiting hockey teams sure to celebrate after games: pouring
money into local economy.
5. Only 6-hour drive to Calgary's abandoned Winter Olympic site
4. New advertising rates for broadcasting Oilers games very affordable.
3. Has big hearty laugh. (That's Ed McMahon.)
2. Won't have to change red bulb above hockey goal so often.
1. No traffic jams from Stanley Cup parades.
Dan Quayle's Top 10 National Guard Duties - August 23, 1988
10. Make sure armory's vending machines never run out of pretzel sticks.
9. Look through catalogs for cute gifts for officers' wives.
8. Enforce "No Horseplay" rule at public pools.
7. Play hula girl on skit night.
6. Make sure hot side stays hot; cool side cool.
5. Make cool explosions sounds when platoon trains with dummy grenades.
4. Beat local scout troops to best lakeside campsites.
3. Keep guys without shirts from entering 7-Elevens.
2. Write to Nancy Sinatra; urge her to visit base.
1. Round-the-clock blob watch.
Top 10 Things President Reagan Hopes to Accomplish in His Last Months in
Office - August 24, 1988
10. Get to know Paula Parkinson.
9. Send change-of-address cards to wrestling magazines.
8. Get snapshot taken with cardboard cutout of himself to baffle future
historians.
7. Swipe headphones from Air Force One.
6. Introduce himself to George Bush.
5. At last press conference, have Secret Service remove the pants from
Sam Donaldson.
4. Make final plea for Bush-Sharpton ticket.
3. Award Congressional Medal of Honor to Dick Gautier.
2. Get thoroughly briefed on what happened while he was president.
1. Call Jerry Ford about that time-share in the Poconos.
NBC's Top 10 Possible Slogans for the Seoul Olympics - August 25, 1988
10. You'll swear you smell the tear gas!
9. The Russians are back -- and we're goin' for the bronze!
8. Maybe you'll see a groin pull!
7. It's Gumbel-lievable!
6. What else you gonna watch? ABC? Come on!
5. Relaxed steroid testing equals more world records!
4. 100% guaranteed: no Dick Button!
3. Watch the ghost of Elvis cheer on our karate team!
2. We pre-empt Letterman!
1. These young people have spent a lifetime mastering goofy unpopular sports.
The least you can do is watch!
Top 10 Revelations in Albert Goldman's Upcoming Biography of Ringo
- August 26, 1988
10. Only Beatle to portray himself in "Beatlemania."
9. Used to give John and Paul token songs to sing so they wouldn't feel
left out.
8. Had a secretary named Lincoln while Lincoln had a secretary named Ringo.
7. For a while, actually believed Paul was dead.
6. Served in Indiana National Guard during Vietnam War.
5. Suggested "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees" as Beatles theme song.
4. On honeymoon, he and Barbara Bach held a "bed-in" to promote Seagram's
wine coolers.
3. Made a fortune selling cheesy Ginsu knife sets on TV. (Sorry, that's a
revelation about Ronco, not Ringo.)
2. Advised Paul that "Hey Dude" just didn't sound right.
1. Vocal on "Octopus's Garden" played backwards sounds like "Thank god
these other guys are so talented."
Dan Quayle's Top 10 Pick-up Lines - August 30, 1988
10. "Didn't we almost flunk out of school together?"
9. "How about a drink with a historical footnote?"
8. "I sure would have gone to Vietnam if the Cong looked like you."
7. "Can my father buy you a drink?"
6. "You could close your eyes and pretend I'm Jack Kemp."
5. "I think I saw Elvis last week at the Stuckey's on the interstate."
4. "Look! I've got a bunch of balloons with my name on them!"
3. "A girl like you could help a guy forget the irreparable damage
he's done to the Republican party."
2. "I'll be vice president after we beat Dukakis and Lloyd Bridges."
1. "Why yes, I'm Pat Sajak."
Top 10 Reasons Bush Doesn't Want to Debate Dukakis - August 31, 1988
10. Fears his whiny piercing voice will cause bedlam at nation's kennels.
9. Most of his free time taken up styling Barbara's hair.
8. Can't say word "rebuttal" without giggling.
7. Secret identity makes it impossible for him to be in same room as Dukakis.
6. Tired of League of Women Voters throwing hotel keys and panties at him.
5. Might be seen on TV by other "wife" in Alabama.
4. Can't compete with Dukakis' life-affirming Zorba dance.
3. Organizers refuse to play him on with theme from "Sanford & Son".
2. Afraid to leave Quayle alone for 90 minutes.
1. Network regulations would prevent them from debating naked - like
Lincoln and Douglas did.
Top 10 Things Overheard at New York City Payphones - September 6, 1988
10. "911? . . . sure, I'll hold."
9. "Oooh. What's this goo on the earpiece?"
8. "Mr. Gotti, that 'leaky pipe' won't bother you anymore."
7. "It's a pushbutton phone. But I didn't use my finger."
6. "This is Elvis. Any messages for me?"
5. "You don't know me, but your number spells out O-BITE-ME."
4. "This is Frank Stallone. I'm calling from my ... uh ... car phone."
3. "Gotta run -- don't want to miss a single minute of the Summer Olympic
coverage broadcast September 15th to October 4th -- only on NBC."
2. "Is that a thumb in the coin return?"
1. "Hello. Al Sharpton's office."
Top 10 Reasons Al Sharpton and Dave Are Best Friends - September 7, 1988
10. He gives me a good deal on Lionel Richie tickets.
9. I call him "Reverend" and he calls me "Admiral."
8. Together we form the best two-man beach volleyball team on the east coast.
7. We're collaborating on a book of children's stories.
6. The more he's in the news, the less attention paid to my messy divorce
from Julianne Phillips.
5. He gave me my street name "Dave."
4. Has my likeness on his gold medallion.
3. Usually volunteers to get in trunk when we go to the drive-in.
2. Most of the time, neither of us knows what we're talking about.
1. He makes my haircut look good.
Top 10 Things Overheard in Olympic Village - September 14, 1988
10. "I'm from the French team. Can I just see what a medal looks like?"
9. "After we get the gold in team handball, we just sit back and wait
for the endorsement offers to roll in."
8. "Who would've guessed Morocco's national anthem was 'Sometimes When We
Touch'?"
7. "I thought there would be rides."
6. "You want a ticket to the hammer-throw quarter finals? Good luck!"
5. "But officer, I'm the host of the Today Show."
4. "The Hyundai-toss is just an exhibition sport this year."
3. "Isn't that Elvis?"
2. "Official Dishwashing Liquid of the 1988 Seoul Olympics? You're soaking
in it!"
1. "Look -- Superman! Now we'll never win a medal."
Top 10 Things Elvis Has Been Doing Since 1977 - September 15, 1988
10. Flight attendant, Piedmont Airlines.
9. Did yardwork for the colonel to help repay loan.
8. Regularly phoned Dominos Pizza from mountain hideaway to get free pies
when they arrived late.
7. Amway.
6. Yankee manager: Aug.-Sept. 1979; May-July 1982; June-Aug. 1985.
5. Joined Hunt brothers in unsuccessful attempt to corner world's fudge
market.
4. Rooted around campground garbage in giant raccoon suit.
3. Used Vernon's influence to join Tennessee National Guard.
2. Taking care of business.
1. On-set tutor to Keshia Knight Pulliam on "The Cosby Show."
Top 10 Ways To Make a G.E. Executive Very Angry - September 16, 1988
10. Play "keep-away" with his company hat.
9. Bring in Sylvania bulbs from home.
8. Use plenty of two-syllable words in conversation.
7. Tell him there is no Reddy Kilowatt.
6. Ask him not to yell "Weeeeee" when riding the elevator.
5. Clip out article from USA Today on "America's love affair with candles."
4. Ask if G.E.'s guided missiles come in "avocado" or "harvest gold."
3. Use his "lucky pencil" without permission.
2. Ask him what the letters G.E. stand for.
1. Tell him you can't actually mate with cartoon characters.
Top 9* Good Things About Steroids - October 4, 1988
9. They don't leave your breath all mediciney.
8. Prevent Dan Rather's voice from drifting into soprano range.
7. Keeps me from having that I-don't-fit-in feeling with my Bulgarian
weightlifting pals.
6. We'll all need them to bulk up when the giant ants arrive.
5. Gives me the build I need for today's revealing fashions.
4. Great for community theater groups putting on Ibsen's "The Incredible
Hulk."
3. They're scrumpdillyumptious!
2. Lets me replace lame Dan Quayle jokes with lame steroid jokes for a few
nights.
1. Explains Bea Arthur.
* Only 9 to help NBC save money because they only made a measly $80 million
on the Summer Olympics.
Top 9 Ways Dan Quayle Prepared for the Debate - October 5, 1988
9. Underwent therapy to kick habit of licking hands when nervous.
8. Read a newspaper.
7. Tried to get copy of questions from frat brothers.
6. Practiced saying "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" as fast as he could.
5. Refrained from having sex with lobbyists for 48 hours beforehand.
4. Put on eyeglasses and mortarboard to look smart.
3. Trained rats to swarm over Brokaw on cue.
2. Lots of Binaca.
1. Wrote on hand: "I'm Republican. He's Democrat."
Top 10 Things Dave is Grateful to Johnny Carson For(The Tonight Show's
Anniversary Special - October 6, 1988
10. Gave me the name of a really good urologist.
9. By resurfacing his tennis court I've learned a new trade.
8. Once saved my life with Heimlich maneuver in Carl's Jr.
7. Stood by me when I was defrocked by Assemblies of God.
6. For pioneering the three-day work week.
5. One time after dinner sang special version of "Misty" for me. (That's
Johnny Mathis)
4. Turned me on to Amway.
3. Being a good sport about my upcoming marriage to his ex-wife Joanna.
2. Helped me get my talk show license.
1. Used influence to get me into Indiana National Guard.
Top 9 Things Overheard in Omaha at the Vice Presidential Debate - October
6, 1988
9. "I'm sorry Mr. Brokaw. Wine coolers aren't allowed in the auditorium."
8. "Hey Pat! Where's Vanna?"
7. "It gives me chills to think one of these men could actually cast the
deciding vote if there's a tie in the Senate!"
6. "What's Don King doing here?"
5. "For the 10th time, Mr. Brokaw -- no shirt, no shoes, no debate."
4. "Hey! That sleeper hold is illegal!"
3. "And you're no George Kennedy either!"
2. "Balance the budget? Hey pal, balance this!"
1. "Thank god he only came off as a run-of-the-mill boob."
Robin Given's Top 9 Grounds for Divorce - October 7, 1988
9. Got inexplicably sulky after she accused him of being a psychotic on
national TV.
8. Objected to mother-in-law's cot in their bedroom.
7. His cello practicing kept her up until all hours.
6. Liked to kiss with his mouthpiece in.
5. Always asking "Which one are you?" while watching the Cosby Show.
4. Kept spit bucket by bed.
3. Unsupportive of her career as golddigger.
2. His pie crust was dry, not flaky.
1. Thought a bloodthirsty killing machine would be more gentle.
Mike Tyson's Top 10 Ways to Mend a Broken Heart - October 11, 1988
10. Take a warm bath, sip a fine brandy, and toss a sofa through a plate
glass window.
9. Spend week trout fishing with Don King.
8. Compare your own life with Leon Spinks'.
7. Float rose petals in your spit bucket.
6. Put on as much gold jewelry as your spine can withstand.
5. Remember: there's plenty of heartless, calculating golddiggers in the
sea.
4. Remind yourself that your best years as a casino greeter lie ahead.
3. Rush into a hasty marriage with Brigitte Nielsen.
2. Pictionary, pictionary, pictionary.
1. Try to see the good in each new mother/daughter team your go out with.
Dave Letterman's Top 10 Driving Tips - October 12, 1988
10. Firemen like it when you race alongside them.
9. If pursued by highway patrol always pull over immediately, then try to
flee on foot.
8. Keep freezer bags in glove compartment in case you hit a steer.
7. With the right tools, any rental car can be a convertible.
6. When transporting a monkey don't let him take the wheel no matter how
much he screeches.
5. To let other drivers know you're there, start blowing your horn as you
leave the driveway and don't stop until you reach your destination.
4. Only use Bat Chutes in a real emergency.
3. An engineer's cap and bandana add an element of fantasy and fun.
2. There are no finer men and women than the officers of the New Canaan
Connecticut Police Department. They are the unsung heros of the 20th
century.
1. When cutting through yards at night, look out for kids in tents.
Dan Quayle's Own Top 10 Campaign Ideas - October 14, 1988
10. Dad gives every registered voter fifty bucks.
9. Silence critics by promising to start another war in Vietnam and fight
in that one.
8. Switch from Sugar Pops to more mature bran cereal.
7. Kegger!
6. Baffle Lloyd Bentsen by legally changing name to "Jack Kennedy".
5. Allow college to release records of guy who took exams for me.
4. Let Don King handle everything.
3. ** Insert your own Indiana National Guard joke here **
2. Cough a lot so people think Bush with outlive me.
1. Point out that many of the great men of history were lightweight zeros.
Top 10 Ways Dukakis Can Close the Gap - October 18, 1988
10. Appear taller and more in command by only taking questions from dwarf
reporters.
9. Talk about a zillion points of lights.
8. Charm and delight Americas's young people by pulling birds from his eyebrows.
7. Replace fundraising committee with Robin Givens.
6. Promise first act as president would be to kill everybody in Reebok's
U.B.U. commercials.
5. Demonstrate passion by wrestling nude with Bentsen in front of a
roaring fire.
4. Pitch no-hitter in seventh game of World Series.
3. Urge all citizens to stop buying jeans.
2. Steroids! Steroids! Steroids!
1. Follow Bush's example: dump Bentsen and name a dim-witted jerk as running
mate.
Top 10 Least Popular Hotel/Motel Chains - October 19, 1988
10. Edge 'o' the Runway Inn
9. Mother Goose's Unventilated Cinderblock Oven
8. The Prison-view Motel
7. Ol' Doc Mengele's Pocono Lodge
6. The One-key-fits-all Motor Courts
5. Al Sharpton's Polynesian Village
4. The Standing Water Tourist Trench
3. Bed and Bryant
2. Top 'o' the Dumpster in Midtown
1. Rip Van Winkle's Sleepy Gas Leak Motor Lodge
Top 10 Ways Bush Could Still Blow It - November 1, 1988
10. Show off new Lee Press-On Nails at press conference.
9. Promise first act as President would be a stamp honoring Gallagher.
8. Vow to replace land-based missiles with Digby the Giant Dog.
7. Illegal amounts of pine tar discovered on Barbara.
6. Make last-minute whistlestop tour, strangle a puppy at every station.
5. His prints found on gun next to Sam Donaldson's body.
4. Denounce Cosby Show as stupid piece of crap.
3. Pick Dan Quayle as Vice President.
2. Forget to respond to Final Jeopardy in form of a question.
1. Get photographed on ferris wheel holding hands with Al Sharpton.
Top 10 Upcoming Geraldo Specials - November 2, 1988
10. Live from Elvis' Grave with a Shovel
9. Is the NBA Being Ruined by Flubber?
8. By the Hollow Tree: Stakeout for the Keebler Elves
7. Gutterballs: Pro Bowling Groupies
6. We Get Drunk and Bust into a Gum Machine
5. Former Nazis Who Work at the Gap
4. The Dumbo syndrome: Men with Big Ears Who Can Fly
3. One Bird's Obsession: Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs
2. Geraldo and the Chipmunks Magical Musical Christmas
1. Raising Raymond Burr
Top 10 Things that Would Keep Me from Doing the Show - November 3, 1988
10. They need my chair up at the NBC news desk.
9. My poodle-grooming service really starts to make money.
8. A brutal alien-invading army demands that Earth send forth their champion.
7. Connie Chung finally drops that fat guy she's married to.
6. Any serious job offer.
5. A chance to go backstage at the Winter Garden and watch the cast of "
Cats" put on their makeup.
4. President Quayle.
3. A single word from Mr. Gotti.
2. When there is no longer a single cameraman, a single studio audience
member, or a single television set on the face of the Earth; then
and only then will I cease my endless strivings to educate, to
illuminate, to entertain.
1. If I still feel lousy tomorrow.
Top 10 Reasons Dan Quayle Would Make a Great President - November 4, 1988
10. Would not seem like brainy egghead when visiting nation's injured
professional wrestlers.
9. Boyish good looks would cause Mrs. Gorbachev to fall in love, reveal
state secrets.
8. His willingness to don inspiring Eagle Man costume on national holidays.
7. Secret Service agents wouldn't have to take their jobs so seriously.
6. Hilarious hijinks when mischievous staffer tells him to go stand in corner
of Oval Office.
5. State of the Union Address would be three minutes tops.
4. Might really enjoy the part where after signing a bill into law, he gets
to pass out a lot of souvenir pens.
3. Would satisfy little-known constitutional requirement that Chief Executive
be "dumb as a tree".
2. We'd get to watch him grow up on TV.
1. Impossible to pick himself as Vice President.
Top 10 Dukakis Excuses - November 9, 1988
10. Forgot to wear "lucky shorts."
9. Thought election was first Tuesday in December.
8. It's just a big popularity contest.
7. Used Wendell to warm-up campaign crowds.
6. Couldn't believe anyone in a million, jillion years would vote for George
Bush.
5. Extensive campaigning in Belgium was waste of time.
4. Fell for Bush's old "you-vote-for-me-and-I'll-vote-for-you" trick.
3. ** insert your own eyebrow joke here **
2. Ill-advised pledge to "tax you bastards back to the Stone Age."
1. Didn't care about presidency; just wanted to win $20 bet that I could
do better than Mondale.
Dan Quayle's Top 10 Questions While at the White House - November 10, 1988
10. "OK if I leave my clubs here?"
9. "Who are all the old farts in the paintings?"
8. "Can I have a Kermit phone?"
7. "Do we get the day after Thanksgiving off?"
6. "Would you tell me about the rabbits, George?"
5. "Are all the Playmates down at the sauna or are they shooting bumper pool?"
4. "Which button am I supposed to never touch?"
3. "Won't it be great if George and I win the big election?"
2. "Where did Prescilla sleep?"
1. "Mrs. Reagan, can I call you Mommy?"
Top 10 CBS Slogans - November 11, 1988
10. Tonight Dan Rather might do something goofy.
9. We're cheaper than cable.
8. We're the #1 network alphabetically (except for ABC).
7. Our high-frequency audio signal keeps you home rodent-free.
6. The network of the 1964 Winter Olympics.
5. Andy Rooney's only on for a minute a week.
4. For a $10 pledge, we'll send you a tote bag.
3. When the other networks run a commercial, why not spend a minute with us?
2. Ain't too proud to beg.
1. C'mon, what difference does it make? We all show pretty much the same
crap anyway.
Yassir Arafat's Top 10 Ways To Improve the PLO's Image - November 15, 1988
10. Award frequent flyer mileage during hijackings.
9. Really insane guys would have to see staff psychologist on regular basis.
8. Have Itzhak Perlman over for a nice piece of fish.
7. Put really funny message on office answering machine.
6. Change name to Palestinian Good Old Guys.
5. Promise for every airport bombing, we'll donate 50 cents to the Sierra
Club.
4. Kidnap Geraldo. Keep him.
3. Expel Jim & Tammy from ministry -- freeze their assets.*
2. Lots of Binaca.
1. New slogan: "You're never fully dressed without a smile."
* How to improve the PTL's image.
Top 10 Signs That People Are Getting Dumber - November 16, 1988
10. Detailed instructions now provided with all new socks.
9. Cher cologne.
8. Nobel Prize for literature given to guy who first hyphenated "oat-bran".
7. Quaylemania!
6. Japanese successfully marketing TV set that's just a cardboard box with
a picture of Fess Parker inside it.
5. Disney gave me lots of money for movies I have no intention of making.
4. Most Americans can name no more than 2 of the 4 dancing raisins.
3. People will applaud even when no joke has been made.
2. Presidential Seal now reads "I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler.
1. I'm still on the air.
Top 10 Fears of Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear - November 29, 1988
10. Might someday have to chew own leg off to escape from lint trap.
9. Sleeping in laundry basket exposes him to attack by housecats.
8. He may wind up in a washer with Al Sharpton's undershirts.
7. People will find out about that mauled camper back in '78.
6. Excess softener will leave him unable to perform as a male.
5. First wife Joey Heatherton will write book claiming he beat her regularly.
4. Winnie-the-Pooh will get drunk at family gathering and start loudly suggesting
that he should be the fabric softener bear.
3. Something might happen to George Bush.
2. Company doctors will perform some kind of surgery to insure he remains "
snuggly" forever.
1. The Pillsbury Doughboy will ask him to poke lower.
Top 10 Least Popular Candy Bars - November 30, 1988
10. Lug-Nut
9. Turkish Prison Taffy
8. Hardened Toothpaste Mint Patties
7. Sunoco Resin Chews
6. Rev. Al's Marshmallow Medallions
5. Mexican Monkey Brittle
4. Good `n' Linty
3. Two Musketeers & a Guy with a Hacking Cough
2. Mookie Way
1. Roger Ebert's Mystery Log
Top 10 Reasons To Let Yassir Arafat into the United States - December 2, 1988
10. Already spent $50 for tickets to Radio City Christmas Show.
9. Can catch up with high school pals now driving New York City cabs.
8. Donahue desperate for guests.
7. He's already got a sitter for that weekend.
6. His 3-point shooting could help Miami Heat win first game.
5. Now says his past behavior just the result of "really bad cramps."
4. Promised PLO buddies he'd bring home Dancing Raisin dashboard dolls.
3. He could return that caulking gun he borrowed from me.
2. The man is, after all, Ricky Schroder's real father.
1. He's killed a lot of people. Sometimes I snap at my secretary. Nobody'
s perfect.
Top 10 Unsafe Toys for Christmas - December, 1986)
10. Junior Electrician Outlet Patrol
9. Hasbro's Slippery Steps
8. Black & Decker Silly Driller
7. Roof Ranger Paratrooper Outfit
6. Remco's Pocket Hive
5. Traffic Tag
4. Will It Burn? From Parker Brothers
3. Chimney Explorer
2. My First Ferret Farm
1. Ooh -- You're Blue! The Hold-Your-Breath Game
Top 10 Christmas Movies Playing in the Times Square Area - December 13, 1988
10. Hot Buttered Elves
9. Santa's Magic Lap
8. Babes in Boyland
7. Crisco Kringle
6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
3. Santa Goes Round-the-World
2. The Nutcracker Swede
1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
Top 10 Campaign Promises George Bush Is Sorry He Made - December 15, 1988
10. To use Star Wars satellites to give everybody free HBO.
9. To bite head off rat at first press conference.
8. Bomb France back to the Stone Age.
7. To get to the bottom of this whole Bigfoot thing.
6. Appease tobacco lobby by always having picture taken with cigarette in
mouth.
5. To deflower Brooke Shields on board the Space Shuttle Atlantis.
4. To dispose of radioactive waste through the home shopping Network.
3. At summit with Soviets, to try "pull my finger" trick on Gorbachev.
2. To bring more lightweight pretty-boys into the executive branch.
1. To reveal during inaugural address the whereabouts of Elvis.
Top 10 Least Popular Christmas Gifts - December 21, 1988
10. Andre-the-Giant Champagne
9. Hickory Farms Smoked Gristle Assortment
8. Phil Donahue's "A Boy's First Dress"
7. An hour of free advertising on CBS
6. The Jimmy Swaggart Pop-up Book
5. Angry-Live-Bird-in-a-Bag from Hartz Mountain
4. Dan Rather Lather Skin Bracer for Men
3. The Living Weasel Wallet
2. Al Sharpton Hairstyling Spackle
1. Isotoner Diapers
Top 10 Circus Family Holiday Traditions - December 22, 1988
10. Grandpa Geek leads family in prayer -- then bites head off live turkey.
9. Put star on top of pinhead.
8. Get elephant to sit on Fotomat booth.
7. Count off 12 days of Christmas -- 1 day per finger.
6. Graft red rubber ball onto goat's nose: charge saps 5 bucks to see "Rudolph."
5. Carols sung in harmony by two-headed boy.
4. Extend turkey stuffing with sawdust.
3. Let Monkey Boy wear festive green diaper.
2. Sit-down dinner of corn dogs, cotton candy, and pink lemonade.
1. Get liquored up, go to town, scare decent folk.
Top 10 Elf Fears - December 23, 1988
10. Contracting Lyme disease from showering with reindeer.
9. The end of somebody's tiny little hammer will fly off and crack a skull
open.
8. Massive layoffs from impending Santa-Keebler merger.
7. Getting stranded after dark in a pixie neighborhood.
6. They'll die and go to hell.
5. First elf president will probably not come in their lifetime.
4. Low blood pressure will make it difficult to maintain curled toes.
3. Something happens to Bush.
2. Santa will replace them with really smart Oriental kids.
1. Bell rash.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the All-Star Game - July 11, 1989
10. See all those kids in the right field bleachers? Steve Garvey's.
9. What the hell is Al Sharpton doing coaching third?
8. Somebody call Dodger Stadium and see if Reagan went there by mistake.
7. Boy! All-Stars sure scratch themselves a lot!
6. I know Reagan is doing the play-by-play, but why is Jimmy Carter selling
nachos?
5. Look! Tommy Lasorda's taking a leak in the parking lot!
4. Because the rules say we have to pick one member from every team -- please
welcome Doug Jones of the Cleveland Indians.
3. Yes, Mr. President, they've used gloves for some time now.
2. More kraut on that dog Miss Garbo?
1. Steinbrenner, though he has no connection with this particular contest,
sucks.
Top 10 Safety Tips for Flag Burners - July 12, 1989
Don't even think about burning one in the presence of a certain proud American:
Namely me, Dave Letterman.
Top 10 New York City Fashion Statements - July 13, 1989
10. Honey, I Shrunk the Pants.
9. Blind Date.
8. Bozo's Mistress.
7. Dressed to Grill.
6. America's Most Wanted.
5. Your Ad Here.
4. Ghostbusters III.
3. Mork from New York.
2. Hey Look -- Hookers!
1. To the Opera, James.
President Bush's Top 10 Gaffes While in Europe - July 14, 1989
10. Addressed heads of lesser-developed nations in baby talk.
9. When presented with vintage camembert commented "Phew! What died?"
8. Ill-conceived speech to French military command: "We bailed out your
sorry butts."
7. Tried to go into Hungarian 7-Eleven without shirt or shoes.
6. Gave away ending of "Ghostbusters II" to Lech Walesa.
5. Remarked to Bulgarian minister "You people sure turn out some good carnival
acts."
4. Asked curator at the Louvre "Where's the pictures of naked broads?"
3. Accidentally told other world leaders that Quayle is vice president.
2. Washed out shorts in the bidet.
1. Loudly announcing everywhere he went "Ich bin ein Batman."
Top 10 Features of the New Stealth Bomber - July 18, 1989
10. Has 2" ball hitch on back so it can pull stealth trailer.
9. Makes square and crescent shaped ice cubes.
8. Plenty of room on wing for Trump logo.
7. Computer tabulator shows pilot up-to-the-minute frequent flyer mileage.
6. Easiest plane ever for pouring Pepsi upside down.
5. Siren sounds if monster appears on wing like in Twilight Zone.
4. Nose cone opens to release spring-loaded boxing glove.
3. Enormous speakers can be heard playing "We Will Rock You" across a
continent.
2. Advanced bombsights allow crew to deliver payload right down Khadafy's
shorts.
1. Kids fly free.
Batman's Top 10 Pet Peeves - July 19, 1989
10. After dramatic entrance at scene of crime, having to convince everybody
he's not a professional wrestler.
9. When you can see outline of underwear through Bat Suit.
8. Punks who gather around and smart off while he's getting gas for the
Batmobile.
7. Nuclear power source for utility belt has rendered him sterile.
6. Really stupid people that shout out, "Hey! Where's Tonto?"
5. When dry cleaners accidentally switches Bat Suit and San Diego Chicken
costume.
4. When an episode focuses way too much on Jake.
3. Seeing Alfred the butler talking to Albert Goldman.
2. The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a piece of cardboard
can summon him at night.
1. When people call him "The Batman" -- it's just "Batman," damn it!
Top 10 Things Dave Would Have Said if He'd Been First Man on the Moon - July
20, 1989
10. Any music for this, Paul?
9. Reminds me of Muncie.
8. I'm sorry officer. I didn't realize I was going 18,000 mph.
7. Could you hold that cue card a little higher?
6. If I drink one more packet of Tang, I'm gonna puke.
5. Hello Casey? I have really long distance dedication.
4. Man, do I have to take a leak!
3. Phylicia Ayers-Allen -- will you marry me?
2. Hey! It's Elvis!
1. One small step for Dave; one giant leap for Dave's moonlanding T-shirt
sales.
Top 10 Names for the Letterman Estate - July 25, 1989
10. Camp David
9. Graceland North
8. Drifter's Haven
7. The Old Helmsley Place
6. Colonel Dave's Post World War III Love Bunker
5. The Deep Woods Tick Ranch
4. The Taj Ma Hal Gurnee
3. The House that Ruth Buzzi Built
2. The Swankienda
1. Shangri-Dave
Top 10 Secrets Felix Bloch Revealed to the Soviets - July 26, 1989
10. The stealth bomber can be knocked out of the sky with an ordinary garden
hose.
9. So-called "secret sauce" is nothing but catsup and mayonnaise mixed
together.
8. Take the Reds and two runs over the Padres.
7. The Joker didn't really die at the end of "Batman".
6. Tom Brokaw's American Express number: 360-9950-4425 (expires 4/91).
5. 101 guaranteed sure-fire pickup lines.
4. The true identity of the San Diego Chicken.
3. Try lemon juice on those stubborn grass stains.
2. Helen Hayes goes nuts when you blow on the back of her neck.
1. Dan Quayle is only pretending to be a dumb guy.
Top 10 Ways Dave Will Lower His Cholesterol - July 27, 1989
10. Use skim milk in my coffee instead of mayonnaise.
9. Have my private nurse discontinue the intravenous liquid cheese feedings.
8. Pay a 10-year-old kid to take my test for me.
7. Cancel my annual "Cool Hand Luke" egg-eating contest.
6. Visit a quack nutritionist in Guatemala who for $1,000 will play with the
numbers and give me a low count.
5. Instead of sitting in my chair and telling my assistant to run my errands,
I'll walk over to her desk and tell her to do them.
4. Replace cholesterol-clogged arms and legs with cool bionic limbs.
3. No more fooling around on weekends answering door in sculpted beard of
butter.
2. No longer use blacking-out as signal to stop at all-you-can-eat fried
clam bars.
1. Use my wealth and power to pressure the A.M.A. to dangerously lower their
standards.
Adnan Khashoggi's Top 10 Money-Saving Tips - July 28, 1989
10. If you're careful, a yacht can be used more than once.
9. HBO or Cinemax -- not both.
8. Caviar Helper.
7. Have Leona Helmsley do all your shopping for you.
6. No more loans to Pete Rose.
5. For entertainment at next party, hire Frank Sinatra Jr.
4. Don't pay a lot for your muffler.
3. Live at Letterman's place for a while.
2. Two words: token sucking.
1. Quit trying to keep up with the Trumps.
Top 10 New York City Hats - August 1, 1989 [another visual one]
10. The psychedelic juicer
9. F.T.D.-lightful
8. They were all out of Batman hats
7. Probably Steve Garvey's
6. Buy one get one free
5. Mom and Dad -- my fiance
4. Looking for Dave's house
3. Honey, I shrunk the hat
2. We hope it's a hat
1. The guy from Ipanema
Top 10 Ways Rob Lowe Could Fulfill His Community Service - August 2, 1989
10. Share tips with high school audio-visual clubs.
9. Give counseling sessions to Steve Garvey.
8. Pose nude for prison art classes.
7. Spend one Saturday each month as Yankee manager.
6. Read aloud to Dan Quayle.
5. Lecture to church groups on differences between Beta and VHS.
4. Clean graffiti off back of Roger Ebert.
3. Hunt down and kill Judd Nelson.
2. Remind apathetic youth of rewards of getting involved in political
conventions.
1. Keep eye open for Bat Signal while Batman naps.
Top 10 Reasons Dave Would Make a Good Father - August 3, 1989
10. My hairpiece makes a great crib toy.
9. House already loaded with Cocoa-Puffs and Tang.
8. Could praise fingerpainting because I'm used to lying to guests about
how good they were.
7. Generous gifts to my old college guarantee kids get at least a third-
rate education.
6. Kids and I could learn the facts of life together.
5. I'd know when to switch from Cycle 1 to Cycle 2.
4. We could do an Oldsmobile commercial together.
3. I'm loaded.
2. If scheduled babysitter doesn't show up, I could always book Marv Albert.
1. If Dick van Patten can do it, so can I.
August 4, 1989 -- Missed it. Sorry!
Top 10 Demands of the Striking Telephone Workers - August 8, 1989
10. Sick of getting paid in quarters.
9. Make it illegal for people to answer the phone: "Yel-lo!"
8. Full protective clothing and breathing apparatus for guys who clean
mouthpieces of New York City payphones.
7. Can refuse to repair phones shaped like cartoon cats.
6. Right to listen in on Rob Lowe's phone conversations.
5. Operators no longer have to make busy-signal sound with their mouths.
4. Power to send National Guard troops to level homes of people with funny
answering machine messages.
3. Authorization to say, "Look it up yourself, you lazy sack of crud."
2. The right to call everyone "Larry" -- as in: "Thank you for using AT&T,
Larry."
1. Stop all the damn ringing! Ringing! Ringing!
Top 10 Cartoons Shows in Iran - August 9, 1989
10. Ayatollah Turtle
9. Scooby Abu Nidal
8. Dennis the Brainwashed Skyjacking Menace
7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Mullahs
6. George Bush, the Pork Rind-Eating Infidel Dog
5. Super-Sloppy Rushdie Hunt!
4. Carlos the Jackal
3. Popeye the Uncircumcised Sailor
2. The Moose in the Burnoose
1. Really Looney Tunes
Top 10 Better Ways To Spend $166 Billion - August 10, 1989
10. Put aluminum siding on every house on the planet.
9. Buy Leona Helmsley breakfast.
8. Back-to-school clothes for all of Steve Garvey's kids.
7. Cab ride from JFK to Manhattan.
6. Marry Robin Givens.
5. Give it to Pete Rose. See if he can double it.
4. Hire Jack Nicholson to play Yosemite Sam on this show every night for
a year.
3. Give fabulous gifts for the Late Night audience -- the best damn audience
in the world.
2. Pay a real lot for your muffler.
1. Walk into every pet shop in the world and announce, "Hey everybody!
The dogs are on me!"
Top 10 New York City Tourist Attractions - August 11, 1989 [This was another
visual one]
10. The Sewer Rat Petting Zoo
9. The Health Inspector Evasion Drill
8. Leona Helmsley's Closet: A Look into the Future
7. Bailout! The Savings and Loan Musical
6. Sidewalk Siskel
5. The Hollywood Squares Minimum Security Prison
4. The King
3. The Desperately Lonely Man's Escort Service
2. The Ayatollah's U.S. Tour '89
1. Mike Tyson's Spit-Bucket Wishing Well
Top 10 Lessons from Woodstock - August 15, 1989
10. Not everyone looks good naked.
9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
5. Never attend an event with a 50,000-to-1 person to Port-a-San ratio.
4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
2. I, Dave Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid
to future generations.
Top 10 Pet Peeves of the Ghost of Elvis - August 18, 1989
10. Never got a chance to try them Dove Bars.
9. Ghost of Leonardo Da Vinci never really thanked me for the Cadillac I
gave him.
8. When people you never heard of claim you live in their toaster.
7. 7-Elevens in Netherworld don't carry Ring-Dings.
6. That pansy Casper.
5. Being a bodiless vaporous spirit makes it hard to hold a chili dog.
4. All those strangers walking through my house.
3. A couple of movies and every nut with a vacuum cleaner thinks he's a "
ghostbuster."
2. I wore capes before Batman made it hip.
1. Trying to get ouija board to spell out "double order of ribs to go."
Top 10 Reasons Cher Couldn't Make It on the Show - August 19, 1989
10. One of her tattoos is infected.
9. Blown transmission on the Chermobile.
8. Double date with Luis Polonia.
7. Today is her baking day.
6. For national security reasons, she and Buck Henry cannot be in the same
place at the same time.
5. Slipping cheekbone implants causing her to look like playful squirrel.
4. Recent revelation that her perfume releases a gas that peels paint off
cars.
3. Heard Paul Prudhomme was going to wear same outfit.
2. Her gene-splicing research is at a critical stage.
1. She's very, very shy.
Top 10 Columbian Tourist Slogans - September 5, 1989
10. You can't put a street value on fun.
9. Where the hits just keep on comin'!
8. Bored with Beirut?
7. Where every jungle clearing is an international airport.
6. Not affiliated with the Columbia School of Broadcasting.
5. Meet Juan Valdez and tour his "coffee" plantation.
4. 10,000 money-laundering Swiss bankers can't be wrong.
3. A one-ounce "souvenir" can pay for your entire vacation.
2. Tourists? We don't need no stinking tourists!
1. It's like Club Med with car bombs!
Top 10 Thoughts of New Yorkers - September 6, 1989 [another visual one]
10. Say, that old lady is holding her own against those three punks.
9. I hope that's from a dripping air conditioner.
8. If they only knew that I, Don Diego -- am Zorro!
7. This is the worst Hawaiian vacation I've ever been on.
6. Hey! Those hot dogs smell like Mom!
5. Mrs. Lasorda... Mrs. Tommy Lasorda... Mr. & Mrs. Thomas Lasorda... Mrs.
T. Lasorda... Tommy and me....
4. I'm going to sit on this bench until my legs are a deep mahogany.
3. Hey! Those hot dogs smell like Mom!
2. Another hour and I break for lunch.
1. I wish I had a holster like the other kids.
Top 10 Signs that Jim Bakker Is Sane and Competent - September 7, 1989
10. No longer believes he's being stared at by Pez dispenser.
9. Thinks Rorschach inkblots look like Tammy Faye's makeup.
8. Conversations with God now limited to weather and sports.
7. Withdrew his Miss America entry form.
6. Declared he would never intentionally pay a lot for his muffler.
5. Voices in his head now play love songs -- nothing but love songs.
4. He's an excellent driver.
3. Now understands big scary invisible animals are as afraid of him as he
is of them.
2. Has started interviewing church secretaries again.
1. He didn't wait two years for tickets to watch someone groom a poodle.
Top 10 Reasons Arnold Schwarzenegger Dropped Out as Miss America Judge -
September 8, 1989
10. They wouldn't let him sing "Here She Comes, Miss America."
9. Thought he'd have to wear stupid black robe and powdered wig.
8. Just found out what those bastards did to Bert Parks.
7. Afraid TV Guide would put his head on Ann-Margret's body.
6. Conflict of interest when Miss Massachusetts turned out to be Rose Kennedy.
5. Learned swimsuit pose-off was open only to contestants -- not judges.
4. Heard they wouldn't validate parking.
3. Groin pull.
2. Got better offer to judge Star Search.
1. He's 'whipped.
Top 10 Reasons Hugh Hefner Will Make a Good Father - September 12, 1989
10. Can warm bottles of formula in the hot tub.
9. Could teach child math while explaining how his half-sister is older
than his mother.
8. No greater authority figure than a Dad who hangs around all day in a
bathrobe.
7. Jimmy Caan always available to babysit.
6. Can help them make college choice through a "Girls of the Big Ten"
pictorial.
5. If the kid gets flu, there's plenty of penicillin on hand.
4. Could lull tot to sleep with nursery rhyme about "The Man from Nantucket."
3. Can teach youngster facts of life using nude photos of Mom.
2. Would make the swingingest Little League coach ever.
1. If he didn't care about America's young people, he wouldn't marry them.
Top 10 Ed Koch Excuses - September 13, 1989
10. Leona Helmsley endorsement less help than expected.
9. Shouldn't have boasted about having "the deepest pot holes in the whole
wide world."
8. Graduates of city schools couldn't read name on ballot.
7. Failed to deliver on pledge to go underground and personally capture
the big hairy guy from "Beauty & The Beast."
6. Should have listened when people answered "How'm I doin'?" by saying "
You suck."
5. Mistake declaring crumbling bridges and tunnels "thrill rides."
4. Wasted money buying unseen ads during Letterman show.
3. Should have shook hands and kissed babies -- not vice versa.
2. Became laughing stock when Batman never answered signal outside City Hall.
1. Most Koch supporters lost right to vote when convicted.
Top 10 Reasons Exxon Is Leaving Alaska - September 14, 1989
10. Sometimes had to drive miles to find liquor store.
9. Planning big oil spill off California.
8. Going to start really big job of cleaning up Exxon station restrooms.
7. Somebody thought they saw Bigfoot.
6. Just got contract to take makeup off Tammy Faye Bakker.
5. Decided black gunk covering coastline and wildlife actually looks kind
of cool.
4. Big party this weekend at Captain Hazelwood's.
3. Wanted to be there to give Zsa Zsa all the support she needs.
2. Time to face the fact that Batman isn't gonna answer Bat-signal.
1. Have to move on to screw up bigger and better things.
Top 10 Rules of the Miss America Pageant - September 15, 1989
10. Liposuction is permitted; but not as part of the talent competition.
9. Contestants must check out of judges' hotel rooms by 11:00 a.m.
8. Anyone who takes a water break without asking spends a night in the box.
7. The balk rule will be enforced.
6. Non-finalists standing in the background may smoke discreetly
5. Scholarship money may not be applied toward candy.
4. Contestants with private armies may not topple duly elected winner.
3. No Gabors.
2. For those who have had cosmetic surgery, at least 80% of their bodies
must be from their home state.
1. Contestants may use Vaseline on teeth; not on Gary Collins.
Top 10 Signs that Chef Boyardee Is Losing His Mind - September 19, 1989
10. Believes Spaghetti- | |
